Somewhere along the way in life I gave-in to being a half-empty kind of person.
I don't like to admit it much more than most people like to hear it. There is shame to be had in being the half-empty gal.
"Half empty? That's no way to be."
"Half empty? But your life is great. What do you have to be so half empty about?"
I've heard it all. I've heard people laugh about it. I've heard people tell me I'm not grateful enough. Unless you've ever for a moment in your life seen the glass above as half empty, then you will never understand. I could talk till I was blue in the face and you would still sit there wondering what I just said.
I am not going to go into some long-winded discussion to justify why I see that glass as half-empty. I can sum it up in saying that I hate getting my hopes up about things because my experience has been that I am usually let down. And what kills me the most is that I still get my hopes up even though I try so hard not to. I get my hopes up because I care, I know that much. I may be a half-empty gal, but it doesn't mean I don't care. In fact I'd like to think that means I care a bit more than the half-full gal. I'm guessing that the half-full person can see the good in all of it, whether things go the way they had hoped or not.
Being let down by people or the outcome of something hoped for never gets any easier. Each blow can hurt just as much as the last. And though the bruising eventually goes away, all of the little hurts just seem to add-up, thus reinforcing the half-emptiness:
"It will never change."
"Things just don't go as planned for you"
"God doesn't listen."
"I must be doing something wrong."
"People don't really care."
"I need to pray more"
The little whispers paving the road to hopelessness.
I just wish I could make the caring about it all go away. I know there will be days where it all bubbles-up and catches me off guard like while driving home from dog training class last night in tears, the entire, long route home. It wasn't really all about Sammy whining the entire class and not paying attention to me, or making me look like the bad owner who doesn't know how to control her dog. It was more about the second child we don't get to have. And a move back to our home town that isn't going to happen. And the people I work so hard to reach out to only to feel as if they have no desire to know me. It was all about those things little and big that I hoped so much for that didn't go as planned. A long list of disappointments.
These moments will come, I'll be angry that I succumb to the unkind whispers in my ear, the self-doubt, the feeling of being alone and unable to count on anyone, the tears, and then it will pass. Leaving me with a headache, puffy eyes and a glass a few sips emptier.
The interesting thing about that glass above - in any other context, I think we'd all say that glass is half empty and offer to fill it to the top.
And those are my deep thoughts for the day.