almost forty.

I've thought about this space often in the past month as I've posted not so often.
Good thoughts and bad thoughts. Thoughts of indifference.
I've been thinking about what to say here and my mind draws a blank.
Nothing feels all that important to share. And at the same time the things on my mind lately are far too important and personal to share here.
And I don't have any fabulous photos I'm just giddy about.

In fifteen days I turn 40, and I'm feeling rather blah about it all.
Another decade has almost passed, and it's left me with a lot of thinking about what has transpired since I turned 30:
got engaged
moved back in with my parents
planned a wedding
got married
quit a job
moved to a new city, leaving a city I had always called home behind
found a job
got laid-off
found another job - hated the commute
found a job two miles from home - loved the commute!
got pregnant
had a baby
went back to work
quit work
heartbreak over the death of a best friend
stayed home
had two seizures and broke a shoulder blade all in one night
started taking medication I will be on for the rest of my life
mono
stayed home with my sweet little Max
tried like crazy to have another child
then threw a crap-load of money at the attempts to try to have a second child
gave-up trying to have a second child
more heartbreak over the death of my beloved Maggie dog
took a few college credit classes here and there
drove Max here there and everywhere - school, speech appointments, swim lessons, tball, soccer, parties, etc.
watched my only boy get on a school bus last September
lots of trips to the city that will always be home
lots of visits with my sister friends in that city that will always be home
laughter
smiles
hugs
tears
arguments
angry words
more tears
more laughter
enthusiasm and dreams traded in for reality of mid-life adulthood

Who knew you could shove so much into a decade?
No wonder I'm exhausted and feel more like I'm turning 50.
No wonder people say the 30s are the hardest years.

I always thought the older I got the more sure of my self and my life I would feel.
But I think I felt surer of myself when I was in my 20s and in college.
The path was clear. My mission was clear. I wasn't doing too many things at once.
I wasn't wearing too many hats and trying to fill others' cups and spreading myself too thin.
I was simply and unapologetically, ME.

Funny thing about the passage of time - looking back at gives you more points with which to reference what was really good, what was really bad, when you felt sure of things, when you had no clue. Sure, if you had asked me when I was 23 and just starting my MA if I knew what I was doing, I'd have looked you straight in the eye and told you "No, but I'm just going to do it anyway. And I'll do it with flying colors and bells on." Looking back - that 23 year old sure as hell knew what she was doing. That girl knew what she was doing far more than the almost-40 year old person I've become. Ask me that today and I'd likely not look you in the eyes, shrug, burst into tears and tell you I have no clue what I'm doing or who I am anymore.
Mid-life crisis? (Yeah, just a bit...)

So I'm left wondering, "what's the point of this post?... why am I writing it all here?...who's going to read it?...." I'm writing this to leave this as one of those reference points that I will look back on five, ten, twenty years from now and be able to say, "Yes. That was hard, but you got through it. See, it all turned out okay."

I'm in that place of "what's the point? does any of this really even matter anymore?" (I know it does, but humor me for a bit..)
Maybe it's the monotony of motherhood.
Maybe it's a lack of sole focus on just me that comes with marriage and motherhood.
Maybe I took off in such a sprint once I got out of college 15 years ago, that I didn't take the proper time to take care of myself along the way.
And now I'm paying the price for all that sprinting.
Sitting on the sidelines of my life, head in my hands, dripping in sweat, salty tears on my face, trying desperately to catch my breath while I wait for that 25 year old me to slowly catch-up. And man, I think that 25 year old me is a little pissed I left her behind like that...oh boy, have I got some explaining to do...

I'm not sure anymore.
I've over-thought it to death and it's rolling over in its grave now.

Forty will come and go. It's just another day.
Another trip around the sun.
And I'll keep on keeping on...
Maybe I'll slow it down a bit this next decade.
Maybe I've learned from some of the mistakes of the past.
I suppose time will tell.

lunch with my max.

It's been a week. Personally, and out there in the world.
What a week.
And my tendency when the going gets tough is to check-out with my iPhone or iPad or washing dishes or folding clothes or cleaning bathrooms, and finding a million other things to do just to numb my mind a bit, and escape from having to be present in the moment. Because if I have to be present in the moment I might just have to feel some things I don't really want to feel. Horrifying, I know.
But then I made lunch for my guy, and realized that he's only got eight and a half weeks of school left.
And that means I only get to sit with him while he has lunch before heading to kindergarten for eight and a half more weeks.
So I grabbed my camera and sat down.
I stopped "doing" and just was present for a few minutes.

My camera helps me do that.
I need to remember that when I want to escape, I really just need to grab my trusty Nikon and start snapping away.
You can't check-out while taking pictures.
And besides that, I need to stop waiting for inspiration to find me and just pick-up my camera and start somewhere.
All great things begin by simply starting right?

one word.

I had this huge, long post all written about my One Word for 2012. I spent a fair amount of time pondering my word and thinking about what I wanted it to look like in my life this year. I was certain this was my word. I chose it, so it just had to be my word. But all the while I was typing and pondering, another word kept edging its way into my mind. It was calling my name: 

be present

I thought my word for this year was Believe. But no. Be Present kept calling my name. It's been written on my heart for months now. Being present is tough one for me. I know it shouldn't be - I have one young child who will be 18 and off to college before I know it - but it is. There, I said it. (Isn't admitting you have a problem the first step?...) Everyday I have choices. And so this year these are my choices:

Be Present with Max. Spend active time with my son. He won't be at home forever. I need to make memories for the both of us now.

Be Present with my friends and family. This means putting aside the distractions. Who's more important? The person I'm playing Words with Friends with? Or checking FB or Flickr? OR the person I'm having a nice cup of coffee with? The person sitting across from me.

Be Present in the health of my body. Stop putting off trying to lose weight and get in shape, and just start doing it. Lace-up my shoes and walk or run. Go to another pilates class. Try yoga. Do something.

Be Present in my photography. I spend more time feeling frustrated and wishing I could take pictures like all the other photographer friends I know, and so I give-up. I must pick-up my camera if I'm ever going to get those pretty pictures. I just need to keep snapping.

Be present in my life. This is a hard one for me to explain... I hide behind a lot of things - TV, books, my computer, my phone. I hide behind these as a way of not having to face my life. I've always had a picture of what my life was supposed to look like, and when the picture doesn't mesh with reality (and it never does, right?) I tend to escape or push it to the nether-regions of my mind. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? (I know the answer to that one...) I also spend far too much time ruminating the past and worrying about the future. I've always been like this. So, I need to be an active participant in creating my journey. This journey that was artful crafted by Him.

released.

Pure exhaustion - the work to create the perfect life, home, child, self.
Reading extra books at bedtime because that's what good mothers do, right? Making my son a different meal just about every night because he has to eat something...he's skinny. Giving-in to buying that bag of candy or book or toy at the store because you don't want to be the mom with "that" kid. Crawling into bed with him night after night after he's come to get me because its more important that he get a good night of sleep.
Sweeping every little crumb, wiping every little spill, washing every little dish. Picking-up every toy and putting it in its place. Making the house look "normal" again at 9pm knowing all to well it will be a mess by 9 the next morning.
Putting on my face and straightening my hair, every. single.day. Struggling to say just the right things to the right people. Telling them what they want to hear. Keeping my thoughts and words to myself so as not to offend. Fighting back tears. Searching for that pre-mommy piece of me that was left wandering the halls of the maternity ward that snowy day in January. Looking for something that is mine - all mine. Frustration when my pictures fail to look as spectacular as my blog friends' photos. The pressure of constant comparison and constant disappointment in myself...
Welcome to the inner-workings of Andrea. Exhausting, isn't it?
The quest for perfection will tie you in knots and leave you feeling less-than-perfect every. single. time. The higher we raise the bar, the more tiresome it becomes to stand on tip-toe in our attempts to reach it.

The good news is this: We have been released from the burden of perfection. God doesn't expect us to be perfect. And additionally, we shouldn't expect anyone else in our lives to be perfect. Divinity is an awfully heavy burden to place on our shoulders and the shoulders of those we love.

reflections on the day.

My Thursday...
I let the dog out to do her thing and I noticed the reflection of the trees in the water. All that rain reflected back to me the sky from which it came, and the pretty trees getting ready to bloom.



Later in the day we headed to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science & Industry) and then to dinner. My husband's college friend owns a nice little bar-bistro in Portland called Clementine.



The best thing about this bar-bistro: the big play area for kids. One area of the restaurant is kind of set-up like a doctor's office, with a train table and some books and a few other toys. We had that area of the restaurant to ourselves. It was a perfect family evening out. Max played. We enjoyed our drinks and dinner. Perfect. Max really enjoyed his drink as well.

6:52

Picture Inspiration Week 6. Seeing Double.

I had a tough time "seeing" reflections. But man oh man, once you start noticing them, they are everywhere. More to come.

And yes, the drink was delicious!