a beautiful mess.

{Some pretty photos to go along with the long post I knew was coming, but just didn't know it was coming today.}

Today I was in Target looking for supplies for Max's birthday party. I looked up and saw another mom from preschool standing beside me doing the very same thing for her Max who is in the AM preschool class. We've chatted before and we were in Kindermusik with our Maxs a few years ago. Anyway, we were discussing our parties and party supplies, when she motioned to my stomach area and asked, "Are you pregnant?" Every non-pregnant woman's greatest fear. I laughed and said no, and told her we had been trying for about three years now, and that we did the whole IUI/IVF thing, and spent thousands...yada yada yada. We chatted awhile, she apologized again and again, I apologized for telling her our lengthy trying-to-get-prego journey, and then we went back to chatting about our parties. And then I spent the next few minutes getting the rest of the things I needed to get, desperately trying to keep it together as I wandered the aisles. And then I got to my car, started my drive home, and started crying.

I wasn't neccessarilty crying because she asked if I was pregnant when I wasn't. (Though I will remember not to wear any clingy tops anymore. And I guess I need to step-up my working-out) I was crying because I had come face to face, once again, with the fact that I'm not pregnant. After all the money and time and emotion - I didn't get pregnant. It took me a good month or so after we found out I wasn't pregnant to get back to having normal days where I didn't cry everyday. I had it all under control. I had buried it deep down in the depths of my being, shut and locked that door and threw away the key. Or so I thought. I don't want to go into some lengthy re-hashing of what I went through and what I'm feeling and how I'm coping. I don't want to be Debbie Downer. And I know I sound like a broken record. But I will be honest.

 It hurts a little everytime I hear someone is pregnant, or see someone who is pregnant.

It hurts a little when I walk by the baby section at Target and realize I will never get to shop in that department again (at least not for myself.) And I'm sure lots of other moms with older kids feel sentimental when they pass the baby section at the store, but it's not the same as passing it with a heart that feels robbed of a dream.

It hurts a bit as I go through Max's old clothes to give them to Goodwill. The clothes I had saved in case we had another boy. The clothes I won't be needing now.

It hurts a little every time I see families with more than one child, which is pretty much everyone I know. (I think I know two friends that only have one child.) It feels a bit like not being part of the "club"; that I don't get to be part of something special that these other families are part of. They get to see their kids playing and fighting together. They get to take photos of their kids together. (I can barely get my one to let me take his photo.)

I know I sound petty. I realize it's only been about four months since we got the bad news, but I really just want the hurt to go away now. Not in another six months or another year or five years, but now. And I want it to go away for good. I don't ever want to feel all of this sadness and anger and disappointment again. I'm tired of it. It's exhausting. Between that and losing our dog last August, I'm just sad and spent. I think it's drained it all out of me. I don't care about blogging or taking photos or running or setting any goals. I really just want to zone out for a long time until I can re-enter my life without the hurt there following me around. I know that'll never happen. All that I experienced last year is part of my story. It's a sad chapter in the book that is my life. It has molded me into the person I am today. I'm not the same girl I was before we started this journey. How could I be? Anyone who has successfully or unsuccessfully taken that journey through IVF knows that it changes a core part of your being. It pushes you to the emotional edge. It deepens your longing. It ignites fear and anger. It tests your patience. It creates a great sense of wonder and amazement in the creation of a life. It is life-changing. 

My head tells me I will get through this slump. I always get through the slumps. But my heart tells me it's going to take a lot longer than I thought it would to heal. And even then there will be a little scar. A reminder of the heart-wrenching little chapter in my life. But for now I just want the hurt to go away. Just for one day I'd like to not think about it at all.

That's me being honest. That's me being me. A beautiful mess.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

-Amy Grant

my one and only, you.

(Maxwell, nine days old. January 2007)

He is my one and only.
And I'm learning to be okay with that.

After three years of waiting and hoping and praying, I finally received my answer: One.

Believe me, it took a lot of time and a lot of tears.
I had to visit the "what ifs"...
What if I had been in better shape and weighed what I did when I got pregnant with Max?
What if I had done acupuncture?
What if I hadn't been so stressed and full of anxiety about the whole IVF process.

And I had to visit the "maybes"...
Maybe I'm not a good enough mother to the one I already have, and so I don't deserve another one...
Maybe my seizure medication is to blame... Maybe if I went off it I'd be able to get pregnant...
Maybe the three seizures in the span of 17 years is to blame...
Maybe if we hadn't waited two years after we got married to start our family...
Maybe if I wasn't so old...

Secondary infertility is tough one. I have one perfectly healthy, happy, loving boy. Am I greedy to want another and then feel such sadness that I can't have another? Do I have the right to even be sad when I know there are people who have tried, unsuccessfully, for years to have their first? I wasn't sure...and then my aunt said to me, "You are grieving for a baby you dreamed of having and the loss is real...a sweet baby - unknown but wanted and loved with all your heart. Max is your joy that makes you want another child."

And so I must let go...
of the dream of someday watching Max play with a brother or sister..
of the feeling that I failed Max as a mother in my inability to give him that brother or sister...
of the feeling that my body failed me...
of the feeling that I also failed my husband and his dreams of having two kids...

I know some of my thoughts may sound a bit ridiculous, but as a constant worrier and over-analyzer these were a few of the thoughts that crossed my mind. I think we all like to have firm answers to the questions in our lives and will search every nook and cranny of our minds to find something that brings us peace.

Am I over it all and fine now? Far from it. I have moments when I feel sad and angry and hopeless every day. Will it get better? At this moment, as I type this I can say yes, but there are definitely moments when I doubt it ever will; when I think there will always be someone missing from my family.

This experience has taught me that I can think I'm in control of planning my life all I want, but really He is in control and has much better plans than I can even begin to envision. Even in my sadness I realize this is true. Do I know what they are? No, I can't even begin to think of what's next. I always planned I'd be home with another baby for another five years. So, not only is it a little disappointing things didn't go as planned, I'm also sitting in limbo wondering what's next. Do I make plans to go back to work? Do I go back to school like I've always wanted? Do I just stay home for another five years?...I don't know. Time will tell. That's for Him to slowly reveal to me. A new friend emailed me about a week ago and said, "He does not waste an inch of your life Andrea. Not an inch. This includes the grieving part." I have held tight to those words in the past week. When I am sad I remember that this is part of the creation of my life; this experience is shaping me right now, in this very moment. He will not waste an inch of my life.

I'll end this long post with my favorite quote, which has even more meaning to me these past few weeks: "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

My life is waiting for me in the form of one, little, almost-five-year-old boy.

the end of summer.

This is going to be another one of my famous (or infamous...) random posts...

1. Our three weeks of hot summer weather has come to an end. I know that summer doesn't start around here until August, but come June I always think it should be sunny and in the mid 70s - perfect summer weather in my book. Summer came very late here...like the end of August late. And then she made-up for lost time and all of our PNW whining. Upper 80 to low 90s. It felt a bit like an inferno to me. I guess I'd wrapped my mind around the fact that we weren't going to have a summer and we were just going to head into fall at some point. Summer had other plans... And I am very thankful we have air conditioning.

2. I think I need new "fat pants." TMI?...Maybe, but I told you'd this would be a random post.

3. I also think I need a whole new wardrobe. What girl doesn't? (Don't worry, dear...don't worry.)

4. Ok, I can't have a whole new wardrobe, but maybe some new shoes?...

5. I'm mentally preparing for two days of laying flat on my back, in bed, on bedrest. Well, I'm trying to mentally prepare. It's one thing when you choose to spend the day in bed, lounging, reading, watching TV. It's a completely different monster when it's imposed on you. So, I'm gathering books and magazines and my husband is going to move the big TV in the basement up to our room AND move the cable box that allows us to have onDemand! I suppose I'll have plenty of time to catch-up on the far-too-many magazines I get. And browse Pinterest and Facebook and my Google Reader. {Oh! And I can't forget Words with Friends. I'm MissAR28. Come play a game with me!} So, when you all are busy or having fun Sunday and Monday, think of me...in bed...itching to get-up and move around. Thanks. Oh, and someone puh-leezz go to Starbucks and have a decaf, short vanilla, nonfat latte for me on Monday...and let me know how wonderful it was.

6. See my blog header?...yeah, I need a new one. Need to design a new one before I engage in item 5 on this list. The one above is a bit too summer-like. Need something different for fall.

7. We got our notice from the county to renew our pet license yesterday. It made me sad for a moment. And it makes me really sad if I think about it too much, so...moving on...

8. Oh, how item 5 would be so much better with Maggie around to keep me company...again, moving on...

9. My child has far too many toys. I need to go through them and get rid of a lot. He doesn't play with 60% of them. And his closet...I found a size 2T shirt hanging in there the other day. Guess I need to clean that out as well.

10. Have I bored you enough yet? I wouldn't blame you if you moved on to the next blog in your reader...

11. Speaking of books (see item 5), what are you reading these days?... One can never have too many books on their book list. :)

12. I finally called Verizon to check about changing to an iPhone. No go. I have to wait till I'm eligible for an upgrade, which will be next July. So the Droid photos will continue for another 11 months. Not that I'm counting...at all...

13. The photo above: sun tea. Love it. It represents all things summer to me. Not sure why, but it does.

Thanks for listening to my randomness. Words are not my thing lately. I used to be fairly good at writing interesting, poignant things. But since I finished Grad School and spent two years writing my thesis, I haven't done much writing. I think I used-up all my big words writing that beast. {But it was oh-so-much fun to write. Seriously. I "heart" college.}

Happy Thursday, friends!

phone photo friday.

1. The road back from Starbucks. 2. Popsicle man. 3. Sun setting.

4. Swings & Sunset. 5. My snack. 6. The Mighty Columbia & Mt. Hood

7. Wall-E. Best kids movie, ever! I think we've watched it about 45 times this week.

8. Zonked! 9. IVF. Need I say more? As of this moment 

I've given myself 31 injections. (Very thankful for the layer of fat on my gut right about now.)

I have iPhone envy. There. I said it. My HTC Droid is nice, but it doesn't have apps like Instagram. I mean look at these cool photos and these and these and these. See what I mean. Kinda makes you wish you had an iPhone, am I right? My Vignette and Little Photo apps are nice, but no Instagram. Sigh...

Our week was fairly uneventful. It's been HOT here. As in summer finally decided to show herself. As in 90+ all week. Yuck. I'm a hot weather wimp. And my body and mind had accepted the fact that we'd just from spring to fall, so this weather is a bit of an attack on my system. Thank goodness for air conditioning. And at least the nights are a bit longer now so we cool off nicely at night.

I haven't picked-up my camera much the past month. Not sure why. Busy with other things and have other things on my mind. I just need to pick it up and start shooting though. Get back into the swing of things.
Well, isn't this post exciting? Aren't you glad you spent five minutes reading it? Hahaha... My mind is blank, so I'll just stop right here and say, Happy Friday, Friends! Enjoy your weekend!
And all of you Instagram-ers - take lots of cool photos for me! :)

living the questions.

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

a mustache and other randoms things.

Funny stuff...
On the way home from the store, out of the blue, Max said to me, "I very want a mustache." I asked, "Who do you know who has a mustache?" Max, "Gda." I suspected he was going to say Gda (my dad). I can't think of any other men in Max's life who have a mustache except Gda. For as far back in my mind that I can remember, my dad has had a mustache. I've seen pictures of him without one, but that's it. The things that kids think of...silly.

Reading...
I've been reading Water for Elephants. Not very far into it yet, but I'm enjoying it so far. Today I stopped by Borders and picked up this book. I read the sample on Kindle on my phone in one evening (the sample isn't very long...). The sample alone spoke to me and I just had to pick-up this book to continue reading! I tend to watch far too much TV (United States of Tara, Nurse Jackie, The Office, Greys, Private Practice...well, you get the idea.)

Hard stuff...
D-day 3 has arrived. It is/was today. May 3rd. Blood draw this morning and now the wait. THE wait. I waited all day to hear back. At 4:30 I couldn't stand it any longer and I called the doctor - only to be told they don't have the results from the lab yet. If I had driven the 20 miles into Portland to their lab, I'd know now. Instead I went to a lab close to home. A decision I will pay for in the form of waiting and not sleeping tonight. My anxiety is through the roof, and all I'd really like to do is have a drink or run (or both) and I can't do either. Seriously. How will I sleep? The rational side of me says - you waited this long; you've waited years...so what's another day? The irrational side of me (in a whiny voice) says - I've waited for years! I need to know now. I thought today was the day I got my answer? I digress... Prayers, friends. I'm not one to reach out for help or ask for favors, but today I ask for prayer for a patient heart and mind, and some sleep tonight.

Happy stuff...
And finally, imagine my shock and utter amazement this morning when I was casually going through blogs I follow on Google Reader on my phone, and found this. My stomach did a little flip and my heart skipped a beat I think. I've posted a handful of photos to the Shutter Sisters 365 group on Flickr, in the hopes that maybe one of my photos would be chosen. But I guess I always figured it was just that - a maybe. I'm not one to get my hopes up too high for anything in my life (that's another long post for another day...). In a weird way that I can't quite explain, it was validation for me. Validation that I am good, that maybe I do know what I'm doing from time to time. Thank you, Shutter Sisters.



Happy Tuesday, friends.
A

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I'm thankful it's Friday. This week has been a blur, and yet has dragged on forever. It's been a week filled with injections, doctor appointments, trips to the pharmacy, waiting, more doctor appointments. (I'm guessing you can see where I'm going with this. Did you know April is Infertility Awareness Month? Yes it is. My timing is perfection.)
I've debated whether I wanted to talk about this on my blog. I sat down to write something yesterday - something cheery - but I was forcing something I wasn't feeling. When it comes right down to it I haven't been cheery at all this past week - my son and husband can attest to this. Yesterday at the store I almost broke down in tears for no good reason. That's what mega-doses of hormones will do for you, folks. Make you wanna cry while looking at Peeps among all the Easter candy and decorations. Not pretty.
I don't want to wallow or complain, but I do want to be honest in this little virtual place.



In other, more uplifting news:

• I picked-up the new Alison Krauss CD Tuesday and it is amazingly, gorgeous music to my ears. 
• I also purchased tickets to the Alison Krauss concert in June. Can. Not. Wait. It's the day after my birthday.
• Tuesday was Muffins with Mom day at preschool. It was so cute. The kids sang songs for us, introduced us, and gave us sweet little gifts. And the muffins were delicious! I would have eaten the rest of Max's muffin, but didn't want to look like a pig.
• We got a new bed Monday. I told my husband last night that I wanted a whole day to just sleep in that bed. It is that comfortable. 
• A wonderful friend watched Max today while I headed to yet another doctor appointment in Portland. I dropped Max off at 7:30. Yes, she is a wonderful gal and I owe her dearly for the early wake-up/drop-off.

That's about all I've got this Friday. All I'd really like to do now is go crawl in bed and sleep for a few hours. But my bed will still be there waiting for me tonight - after dishes are washed, toys put away, boys tucked in bed, DVR'd shows watched...
And the photos are totally random today. They are photos of the loved ones putting-up with me this week, and loving me despite my moods. (I haven't felt much like picking up my camera this week. In my hormonal state I'm convinced my camera is awful in low-light conditions, and that I really NEED a new camera. Yes, these are the kinds of things that will bring a girl in my condition down... I will laugh about this someday...)