Tuesday, October 18, 2011

my one and only, you.

my one and only, you.

(Maxwell, nine days old. January 2007)

He is my one and only.
And I'm learning to be okay with that.

After three years of waiting and hoping and praying, I finally received my answer: One.

Believe me, it took a lot of time and a lot of tears.
I had to visit the "what ifs"...
What if I had been in better shape and weighed what I did when I got pregnant with Max?
What if I had done acupuncture?
What if I hadn't been so stressed and full of anxiety about the whole IVF process.

And I had to visit the "maybes"...
Maybe I'm not a good enough mother to the one I already have, and so I don't deserve another one...
Maybe my seizure medication is to blame... Maybe if I went off it I'd be able to get pregnant...
Maybe the three seizures in the span of 17 years is to blame...
Maybe if we hadn't waited two years after we got married to start our family...
Maybe if I wasn't so old...

Secondary infertility is tough one. I have one perfectly healthy, happy, loving boy. Am I greedy to want another and then feel such sadness that I can't have another? Do I have the right to even be sad when I know there are people who have tried, unsuccessfully, for years to have their first? I wasn't sure...and then my aunt said to me, "You are grieving for a baby you dreamed of having and the loss is real...a sweet baby - unknown but wanted and loved with all your heart. Max is your joy that makes you want another child."

And so I must let go...
of the dream of someday watching Max play with a brother or sister..
of the feeling that I failed Max as a mother in my inability to give him that brother or sister...
of the feeling that my body failed me...
of the feeling that I also failed my husband and his dreams of having two kids...

I know some of my thoughts may sound a bit ridiculous, but as a constant worrier and over-analyzer these were a few of the thoughts that crossed my mind. I think we all like to have firm answers to the questions in our lives and will search every nook and cranny of our minds to find something that brings us peace.

Am I over it all and fine now? Far from it. I have moments when I feel sad and angry and hopeless every day. Will it get better? At this moment, as I type this I can say yes, but there are definitely moments when I doubt it ever will; when I think there will always be someone missing from my family.

This experience has taught me that I can think I'm in control of planning my life all I want, but really He is in control and has much better plans than I can even begin to envision. Even in my sadness I realize this is true. Do I know what they are? No, I can't even begin to think of what's next. I always planned I'd be home with another baby for another five years. So, not only is it a little disappointing things didn't go as planned, I'm also sitting in limbo wondering what's next. Do I make plans to go back to work? Do I go back to school like I've always wanted? Do I just stay home for another five years?...I don't know. Time will tell. That's for Him to slowly reveal to me. A new friend emailed me about a week ago and said, "He does not waste an inch of your life Andrea. Not an inch. This includes the grieving part." I have held tight to those words in the past week. When I am sad I remember that this is part of the creation of my life; this experience is shaping me right now, in this very moment. He will not waste an inch of my life.

I'll end this long post with my favorite quote, which has even more meaning to me these past few weeks: "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

My life is waiting for me in the form of one, little, almost-five-year-old boy.

my one and only.

8 comments:

Carla said...

My heart aches for you. While I can't relate on the infertility part, I can relate on not having your life turn out the way you planned. I went through a divorce this past year and have been working through the "what ifs" and "maybe if I hads". I finally realized that I did need to grieve like I had lost something. (What your aunt said was perfect.) I too found that I was grieving my dream and the dream I had for my kids. I still have a hard time with it but it's getting better just as it will for you. I have to hold on to the thought that HE does have a plan for me too. Grieve the dream that you have lost. Start making new ones. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Tracey said...

Beautifully written A. Tears in my eyes. I cannot wait to see what God fills up that empty space with in your heart. Trust him to bring to you more than you could ever imagine...even when you are hurting in the now. He is good.
t

Michelle said...

I have goosebumps reading this because while I can feel your sadness and questions and confusion I can also hear your faith. Your aunt and new friend are so wise. Like Tracey, I am waiting in anticipation of what God will do with this part of your life. I love you. (((hugs)))

Marvett Smith said...

Oh Andrea. I want to wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. Your words are beautiful and so is your heart. Hugs to you my friend!

Stacey said...

Andrea, I think you are amazing. God is using you to teach me things....do you know that? I love your honesty in this post. I love that you are real. I love your faith. And I love that you are obviously so madly in love with your little boy. I love you! Sending hugs and more prayers your way. S

Meagan said...

Oh Andrea, thanks for being so honest. I know this has to be so hard for you, but you're right, God has great plans for us! Sometimes they're just not what we think they should be. I have a sweet friend dealing with secondary infertility and I hate it for her too. It's just so awful. I'm glad you have an answer now and pray you have more and more days where you feel that it will get better.

And how awesome that your one and only is so adorable!

Megan H. said...

Andrea, thanks for kind words on my blog earlier! I would like to send you one of the prints I made. I gave one to my sister today and she is getting to enter her first round of IVF this month. I have watched her over the last five years with many ups and downs. It's heart wrenching to me. I will pray for you to find a place of peace and comfort. I know He has a plan for you :)
Could you email me your address? snapshotsofagoodlife AT fhrd DOT net

Karli said...

Andrea, my heart aches reading your post. I'm not good with words and I don't have the right thing to say. Your attitude is wonderful, learning to say no matter what, God's way is better. NOT easy to understand and not easy to always be happy about it, but I guess that's how God shapes us and helps us grow. E-hugs to you! ♥♥ Your boy is so precious!