walking alone.

If given the chance right now (okay, well most days, if I'm being really honest) - I'd walk that beach alone.

I'm a quiet person, and tend to keep to myself most of the time. Even with the best of friends and family. Sure, I'm a girl and talk about my feelings and all that girly stuff, but only with a small, small group of people - like maybe three at the most.

I tend to mirror those around me. Put me with an extrovert and I'm just as chatty and conversational as the next gal. Sit me down with someone quiet and shy, and I'll quietly sit there wondering what in the world to say to that person.

I don't like hanging out with big groups of people. The bigger the group, the bigger my insecurities - and the quieter I get. Even if that group contains really close friends. And let's not even talk about big groups of women...(scary!!)

One of my best friends from my first couple of years at college, once told me that when she first met me in business class she thought I was a totally snob because I was so quiet and didn't talk to anyone. That was when I realized that my quietness could come across the wrong way. Of course, I did think the same of her at the time. I wonder how often my quietness comes across as aloofness? I have heard it again from another person I recently met. I suppose I need to think about that a bit more and maybe make more of an effort to be friendly.

I enjoy the company of others, but really like to be alone. I've especially noticed this about myself since Eric has been working in California. Sure, Max and Sammy are in the house and around, but it's not quite the same in some unexplainable way. I notice I'm a happier version of myself when Eric is home. Even if we aren't doing anything together - it's nice to have another adult in the house. I guess it's just nicer to be able to be alone in the company of others. It doesn't feel quite as lonely. (I realize now I might not be making any sense...)

And while I've said all of this above about me enjoying being alone and all, the "little kid"(and yes, we are all still nurturing the little kid inside us) in me wants so desperately to be the girl that everyone wants to call, and make plans with, and email. I guess that's that human need to feel wanted, to feel important (and not in the "you're important to your son" kind of way. I know I'm very important to my son and parents and husband).  Perhaps years of not being the girl who people are just dying to call and email and make plans with, has ever so subtly turned me inward - part survival mechanism, part coping mechanism. If I become the inward person and start laying down the bricks one by one, then perhaps I will convince myself that I don't really need to feel wanted by others. And that the "popularity" the kid in me seeks, is childish and silly. If I take control of the keeping others at arms length, then it becomes something I have chosen to do, and feels a lot less like others having the control. Right?...

Just some thoughts on vulnerability on a grey, Northwest Tuesday afternoon. More to come on all of this stuff later. Why I'm choosing to work this stuff out publicly on this blog is beyond me. I guess it's a step toward being more vulnerable.  You can join me on this journey, or just skip these personal posts.
For those of you who have taken the time to read with an open and loving heart - I thank you.

a.

PS - and if you are remotely interested in really digging deep and getting down and dirty with your vulnerabilities  I urge you to read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

And no, that's not me in that photo above, walking alone. That's my sweet friend, Heather. :)

And a thank you to my sweet friend, Karli, for the emails today that prompted this post. ;)