{happiness is...}

Happiness is a Starbucks for mom and a Happy Meal for the little guy. :)
Happy Friday, friends!

i don't...

A few of my blogging buddies have posted some lists of what they "don't do." I couldn't help but join in the fun and give you a little insight into me and what I don't do.

I don't do crowds. I have zero patience for crowds. None. Nada. Zip. My horrible, rude side comes out in crowds. You don't want to see it. (Photo above was from our small town's trick or treat day called Boo Bash. It was INsane. I was happy we weren't there long.)

I don't do early mornings. I will do early mornings if I have to go to work (though I am chronically late), am heading to the airport to get on a plane for vacation, or I hear a crying baby over the monitor who needs mommy. And even in all of these instances, I don't do early mornings with a happy face.

I don't drive continuously in the far left lane on the freeway. I do drive in the far right lane (my preference) and occasionally the middle lane. This way I know I have an "out" (the right shoulder of the road) if something unexpected happens. All those folks in the far left lane have no easy "out." They are surrounded by cars on both sides, and some of them are coming at you at those high speeds those left-hand-lane-drivers like to drive at with only a barrier between them and oncoming traffic (if that.) (A bit of my crazy logic...)

I don't drive other peoples' cars. Not even my parents' cars. Unless you are in desperate need of a trip to the ER (in which case I will likely just call 911), don't offer me your car (though it is very nice of you to offer!) or hand me the keys to drive. (And if you are too drunk to drive, I'll call you a cab.)

I don't do shots, so save your money and don't order me a shot if we happen to go out - unless you don't mind taking an extra shot. I do vodka & 7 with a lime though. And just about any other vodka drink.

I don't do mascara unless I'm going out. Everything else - I do. (Though I'm not quite sure why. Who am I trying to impress at 38?...)

I don't do bikes. (Except for those ten minutes I was on one last summer at the beach.) I do like to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, thankyouverymuch.

I don't swim. I took plenty of lessons as a kid and was even on the swim team for about 6 months, but I am terrified of water and really can't swim. I do enjoy sitting by the pool with a good book and an adult beverage!

I don't do yard work solely because of the bees, wasps, and hornets. I am that lady who panics if they come anywhere near me.

I don't talk on the phone. Though I will talk on the phone to my parents and husband. I do love to text! (But not while driving!)

I don't host parties for friends to sell things. I have done them in the past and hardly anyone comes and I have vowed to never do them again. Ever.

I don't host parties, period. Too much work.

I don't wear dresses (or skirts or shorts). I will put on a dress if I have to for a special occasion.

I don't do high heels. I have plenty of them, but I'm a disaster trying walk in them.

I don't eat seafood. I will eat salmon and tuna fish though. Odd, huh?

I don't pick-up doggie "doo" unless my husband isn't around to pick it up for me.

I don't organize things well. I try, but it usually becomes more of a mess in the end. Good example - my "office" - still a mess after moving in 7.5 years ago.

I don't clip coupons. I have tried to do the coupon thing, but I end up clipping them and they sit in my purse and I totally forget to use them and then they expire.

I don't do ironing. Oh wait, yes I do. I just wish I could not have to iron ever again.

I don't light matches. I will use one of those propane lighter thingys, but those tiny matches? Too scary.  My parents never had to worry about me burning down the house when I was little.

I don't do nausea at.all. Seriously, I can't even begin to think or function or talk or sleep or sit still if I feel even a tiny bit sick. Instead, I pace. Weird, huh?. I do pop a Zofran at the first inklings of nausea.  It's good to have a neighbor friend as your doctor. ;)

I don't do wool sweaters. I want to -  I really do. They looks so cozy and warm and cute on those J.Crew models. But they are just WAY to itchy for my sensitive skin.

I don't do fake. What you see is what you get. I am not good at putting on the happy face because that's what's expected of me (though I will do it if the circumstance calls for such a thing.)

I have rambled on and on...but now you know what I don't do. Maybe I'll post a list of what I really LOVE to do sometime. Wouldn't that be even more interesting? :-)

{Oh boy! This list is lonnggg. I'm going to have to make a longer "What I love to do" list to make-up for this one. ha!}

some days...

I just feel like doing this all day - but not in the dirt, of course.

trip to the pumpkin patch.

Last Tuesday I tagged along on Max's school trip to the pumpkin patch. It was almost 80 degrees out - fabulous (minus the CRAZY amount of bees at the farm...)

The Meisgeier stick-out-your-tongue shot. There are numerous photos of my husband and his two sisters with their tongues hanging out. Reminder - I may have the Meisgeier last name, but I am a Roth. And we keep our tongues in our mouths.

Cute yellow Croc boots...

Holding hands with the girl in the yellow boots, Audra.

I think he was tired by the time we took the hay-ride back from the pumpkin patch.

picture inspiration {Mags}

Week 31 - Extreme Crop.

picture inspiration {catching-up}

Picture Inspiration Week 28 - Legs

The composition is SOOC - no cropping, but I did work some "magic" on it (or tried to in Elements)

{I suppose the title of this post should really read - trying to catch-up.}

More PI catch-up to come...

my one and only, you.

(Maxwell, nine days old. January 2007)

He is my one and only.
And I'm learning to be okay with that.

After three years of waiting and hoping and praying, I finally received my answer: One.

Believe me, it took a lot of time and a lot of tears.
I had to visit the "what ifs"...
What if I had been in better shape and weighed what I did when I got pregnant with Max?
What if I had done acupuncture?
What if I hadn't been so stressed and full of anxiety about the whole IVF process.

And I had to visit the "maybes"...
Maybe I'm not a good enough mother to the one I already have, and so I don't deserve another one...
Maybe my seizure medication is to blame... Maybe if I went off it I'd be able to get pregnant...
Maybe the three seizures in the span of 17 years is to blame...
Maybe if we hadn't waited two years after we got married to start our family...
Maybe if I wasn't so old...

Secondary infertility is tough one. I have one perfectly healthy, happy, loving boy. Am I greedy to want another and then feel such sadness that I can't have another? Do I have the right to even be sad when I know there are people who have tried, unsuccessfully, for years to have their first? I wasn't sure...and then my aunt said to me, "You are grieving for a baby you dreamed of having and the loss is real...a sweet baby - unknown but wanted and loved with all your heart. Max is your joy that makes you want another child."

And so I must let go...
of the dream of someday watching Max play with a brother or sister..
of the feeling that I failed Max as a mother in my inability to give him that brother or sister...
of the feeling that my body failed me...
of the feeling that I also failed my husband and his dreams of having two kids...

I know some of my thoughts may sound a bit ridiculous, but as a constant worrier and over-analyzer these were a few of the thoughts that crossed my mind. I think we all like to have firm answers to the questions in our lives and will search every nook and cranny of our minds to find something that brings us peace.

Am I over it all and fine now? Far from it. I have moments when I feel sad and angry and hopeless every day. Will it get better? At this moment, as I type this I can say yes, but there are definitely moments when I doubt it ever will; when I think there will always be someone missing from my family.

This experience has taught me that I can think I'm in control of planning my life all I want, but really He is in control and has much better plans than I can even begin to envision. Even in my sadness I realize this is true. Do I know what they are? No, I can't even begin to think of what's next. I always planned I'd be home with another baby for another five years. So, not only is it a little disappointing things didn't go as planned, I'm also sitting in limbo wondering what's next. Do I make plans to go back to work? Do I go back to school like I've always wanted? Do I just stay home for another five years?...I don't know. Time will tell. That's for Him to slowly reveal to me. A new friend emailed me about a week ago and said, "He does not waste an inch of your life Andrea. Not an inch. This includes the grieving part." I have held tight to those words in the past week. When I am sad I remember that this is part of the creation of my life; this experience is shaping me right now, in this very moment. He will not waste an inch of my life.

I'll end this long post with my favorite quote, which has even more meaning to me these past few weeks: "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

My life is waiting for me in the form of one, little, almost-five-year-old boy.

the sun.

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

C. S. Lewis