Wednesday, February 29, 2012

i wonder...

52/366 the smallest bit of blue sky and just like that, it was gone.

As I was walking into Starbucks yesterday, lugging my Dell laptop, I saw a woman using an umbrella in the sprinkles of rain. And I thought, "Why do people use umbrellas when it's only sprinkling?" (Though I know the answer to that question is that it usually means they aren't from around here. Real Northwest natives don't use umbrellas.) But that got me to thinking that there's a lot I'm wondering about these days.

I wonder...
will I really spend the rest of my life having to change seizure medications when the one I'm currently taking ceases to be effective? After a mere (almost) four years, I've recently had to change medications. Won't I eventually run out of medications to try, and then be left with having to be on two medications? (This is really what originally got me wondering.)
why do drivers think that tailing someone really closely will make that person go faster?
why do dogs walk in a circle before laying down?
why are little, five year old boys so noisy?
why does the stay-at-home mom crowd feel a bit like being in junior high or high school again?
and in that line of thinking, why is there so much drama in female friendships?
why is Max stammering (I dislike the word stuttering) so much? And what can I do to fix it?
why do I worry so much about what others might think of me?
why won't Max stay in his own bed all night? Really.
why do I stay up so late when I'm exhausted?
and why do I feel like I need a nap the minute I wake up?
if I will ever get to see Maroon 5 in concert? (I kind of have a crush on Adam Levine.)
why am I so afraid to carry my camera around in public?
why is Nurse Jackie so funny when she's really kind of not-so-nice? (Though I'd love to have her as a nurse.)
why do kids always get sick to their stomach in the middle of the night?
why do I worry so much about Max being bullied when he goes to public school?
why, at almost 39, am I suddenly so afraid of the aging process?
why I'm suddenly so worried about my parents aging?
why don't men like to simply talk about things for the sake of just talking and connecting with other people?
why do I hate the idea of exercising, but once I actually do it I feel so good?
why can't we all forgive each other more easily?
why can't we all just put away our electronic devices when we are out for dinner or drinks or coffee? Aren't we specifically out with that other person for the sake of connecting with them, and not the people out there in electronic device land?
why does personal growth require so much risk and vulnerability and trust?
why didn't I listen to my inner voice in college and pursue medical school? why did I think I couldn't do it?
why is it so hard to find a good fitting pair of jeans?
what ever will I do with my time when Max is in school all day?
how difficult will it be to find a job when I decide to go back to work? And what ever will I do?
if I should go back to school once Max is in school all day?
why do I always find my favorite (of the moment) lipstick color after I go buy a replacement?
why is it so hard to get back to pre-pregnancy weight (six years later)?
why is it that I start yawning the minute I lay in Max's bed to read him bedtime stories?
how is it I can be reading books to Max and thinking about other things at the same time?
why do I feel like I'm bothering people if I email them or text them? (With the exception of a few close friends and family.)
will meal planning ever get any easier? I never know what to make for dinner.
why is this cheese so stinkin' good?
why I feel like I don't have anything interesting to blog about the past few months?
if I'll ever finish the dozen or so blog drafts I have waiting to be finished?
if I'll ever figure out the one thing I've been trying to figure out in my photography?
where we will move to next. It's inevitable in the construction business. Seattle? I hope so. But I could also go for sunny California.
will I ever stop worrying so much?
will I ever find any answers to all of these questions?
And of course this post wouldn't be complete without asking, I wonder why the sky blue?

I wonder if I got YOU to wondering about some things in your life.
That's all for today. As you can see, I've got a lot on my mind.

(Sorry for the lengthy list. Which gets me thinking, why do I feel like I have to apologize all of the time?...)


stacey said...

Ah yes....all of life's questions...

Yes, why is there so much drama in (some) female friendships? This is why I've had to let a few friendships go.
The worrying about what others might think of you...Did you read JC yesterday??
Oh my, I ALWAYS stay up late when I'm exhausted.
I saw Maroon 5 in concert about 6 years ago. It was before they were super huge. It was a great concert.
I'm starting to get over the carrying my camera in public fear, although I still think people think I'm super weird when I whip it out in Target. Wait, who am I kidding? I'm too scared to whip it out in Target. Baby steps.
I almost always hate the thought of exercising and almost always have to talk myself into it and remind myself how good it will feel when I'm done.
I always have to make it a purpose to be engaged when reading to my kids bc I do the same thing and think about other things. Working on that.
I've learned a lot about worrying, vulnerability, risk, being concerned that I'm "bothering" people the past few years. It's a conscious effort.
I HATE meal planning. Ugh. I never do it and really should. I NEVER know what to make for dinner and it doesn't help that my kids are so darn picky. How did they get that way?
You will finish those blog posts.
I always feel the need to apologize all the time.


Karli @ The Bonnie 5 said...

Oh are ME. Seriously. Me.

I can relate to probably 95% of the things you wrote. An e-hug coming your way! xo

Anonymous said...

I could talk to you for hours about all your wonderings. But mostly I just want to talk to you about cheese. I shared that cheese with our friends on our feast day last Sunday... which led to planning a wine and cheese day in the future. Behold the power of CHEESE! ;)

Tracey said...

I think you pretty much tapped into everyone's brain. :) I was JUST thinking about the tail gating thing the other day!
And you're never bothering me when you email me. :)

Shawntae said...

Tailgaters!!! GRRR! I slow way down or pull over to let them around. Drives me nuts, and scares me because my pride and joy is in the backseat!

I think about a lot of the same things. I've been trying to lessen my thinking some, because it can be exhausting sometimes.

Hope you're doing well, and hope you find some of the answers you're searching for! :)

Casey Martinez said...

GOOD STUFF! I'll start my list: Why can I never blog something like this when it is exactly how I feel?? lol. Drama in female friendships is indeed such a pain. GUys have no idea how easy they've got it! lol. I am a big thinker and an internalize things constantly. Let's just say...I get you girl!

Heather M. said...

i love this post. :) i can relate to so many of them. i love seeing a peek into your thoughts and who you are.

my big question: why do the good things in life always have to be so hard? (relationships, mothering, faith, exercise, etc). i ask this question a lot.

i've wondered before why you haven't emailed me back much and thought it was something i did or said - you and i are so much alike. ;) i'd love it if you emailed me more, if you wanted and had more time. ;)

Naomi said...

Why must we worry so much?! And think so much?! And just the other day i was thinking how noisy boys are. Owen turns on the ipad and tv at the same time. Drives me nuts. About 2 days ago i had to shut everything off, i couldnt handle it. Ha! Oh and i love cheese. Lol

Amanda Kelley said...

This post made me start asking why! :) Great photo, perfect narrative.

liza said...

I can relate to 99 percent of these things on your list. I have had these thoughts on my brain for a long time, then one day I just stopped wondering because the analyzing made me so exhausted and distracted me from my purpose in life. Not that I have everything figured out but what I do know for sure...

...that I was given five lives (including myself and husband) to oversee and guide through this crazy world.
...that I was given many talents and a passionate curiousity.
...that what I have to offer is more than enough and if it is not then I have to move on to those that believe so. stop wasting time in things that I cannot change (serenity, now)

great post and great words. praying that you see that you are ENOUGH! (I peeked to your next post and saw your daily with the sign)