Tuesday, February 7, 2012

i don't want it anymore.

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore.
Sara Bareilles

Last night, after a not-so-great, not myself, past four days - I almost pressed the delete button on this space, and on FaceBook. The arrow hovered over the icon. My heart heavy with feelings difficult for me to articulate, except to say that I go through periods where I just want to walk away from it all and start-over. Let me explain (if I can...)
I'm a bit hyper-sensitive. Always have been. Probably always will be. Fifty percent of the time I love that about myself. I love that I can feel so filled-up with love and happiness that it spills over into tears. The other fifty percent of the time I hate that about myself. It causes me much undue distress and worry and fear. I can feel so deep in a well of hurt that it seems I will never get out. When all I want to do is dig myself out, and run as fast as I can away from that deep well. But not knowing what to do to dig myself out, I just sit in it. Full of self-doubt, full of feeling incapable, full of feeling unworthy of anything I have, full of feeling "what's the point?" I tend to keep to myself. I hold just about anyone I meet at a far distance, for fear if I let them in they won't like me or they will hurt me. I get my feelings hurt far too easily because I take everything very personally. Very. So when I'm down in that deep hole, I don't trust anyone else to help me out. They might throw me a rope, but it'll probably be frayed or not long enough. No, only I can dig myself out.
When I get like this; when my thoughts are consumed with this in-explainable questioning (for lack of a better word) I just want to escape to a place where I won't feel this way. I want to leave the places that leave me questioning myself. I want to walk away from everyone I know. I want someone to take the crazy, self-doubting feelings away. And that's usually when I tend towards doing something drastic to make a clean break from feeling so bad - delete FaceBook, delete my blog, chop my hair (as I did today.) Maybe the physical act of a big change will bring about the big change I so desperately need in my heart and mind. If I can distance myself as far away as possible from everyone else, I can help to keep these feelings at bay.
And then a few days pass, after many tears, many sleep-less nights lying awake just worrying and wondering what to do, and suddenly I find myself looking down in that deep well wondering how I even got down there, and why it took me so darn long to climb out. I've climbed out too many times to count. I should have it down pat. I should be able to just pull-myself out within a matter of hours. But oddly enough, the older I get, the longer it seems to take.
Friday I was in that deep, dark well. Today I am almost out. I know in a few more days I will be just fine and I will shake my head in shame, thinking, "Who is that girl? And doesn't she realize she has it all?"

(Sorry I don't have any photos for this post. No pretty picture could make this post not-so-gloomy. And don't worry, I doubt I will ever delete this space. I may walk away from time to time, but it will always be here. And speaking of drastic things, I almost deleted this entire post after I wrote it. Instead I just said a little prayer and hit publish.)