on my mind lately: photography

I spend far too much time looking "out there" at other people's work.

Wondering how they get wonderfully clean, color edits. I've not been happy with my color edits lately. I sit down to edit and I'm overwhelmed with choices and actions and knowing what I want it to look like but having no idea how to get there. I don't really have time to spend hours in front of my PC playing around in Elements or watching tutorial videos. I have a five year old. My time should be spent with him, not some computer program. So I don't pick-up my camera.

Wondering how they can take photos with high contrast and not end-up with chromatic aberration. I've been researching and reading and Googling, and I just walk away from my computer more frustrated than before. I know there is a solution, but I have no idea what it is or what I'm doing wrong. So I don't pick-up my camera.

I look at my surroundings and wonder what is worth photographing. All I see is a mess. So I clean and vacuum and wash dishes and try to make peace with the clutter. So I don't pick-up my camera.

I think about what to blog about and my mind is blank. No ideas. Nothing creative. Writing is not my forte, so sitting down to be creative in this space is really tough for me. I spend so much time reading everything else out there that I end-up feeling overwhelmed. So I don't pick-up my camera.

I have so SO many questions and no one to ask them to. And in this creative world there seems to be this unwritten rule that people aren't going to share too much with you for fear of letting you in on the "secret" to their style. I totally get that and I completely respect it, and that's part of the reason I don't ask the questions. I feel like I shouldn't. I'm a hands-on learner. I learn best by talking with others and exchanging ideas and information. I don't have any photographer friends here to bounce ideas off of. So I don't pick-up my camera.

You can see the pattern here...not picking-up my camera.

And I know (I know) that the best way to resolve all of the above problems is to pick-up my camera.

But it all seems so overwhelming some days:

I pick-up my camera, struggle with settings, delete a few photos in-camera, download, criticize my work, delete a lot more, see if there is a blog post among one or two of the photos, sit down with Elements and criticize some more, get overwhelmed with editing options so I hurriedly edit and settle for something other than what I envisioned, struggle to say what I want to say in my blog post, publish, and walk away wondering what I'll post about next time. Wondering what I'll take photos of next time. 

Why is it such a struggle? Why is the creative process so full of self-criticism? I don't look forward to it. I really kind of dread it because I know it will take me to this place of comparison and self-doubt and frustration with my photography skills, and ultimately with myself.

I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do.

And that is what has been on my mind lately.

(And it took me a long time to hit publish on this post.)

i don't want it anymore.

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore.

Sara Bareilles

Last night, after a not-so-great, not myself, past four days - I almost pressed the delete button on this space, and on FaceBook. The arrow hovered over the icon. My heart heavy with feelings difficult for me to articulate, except to say that I go through periods where I just want to walk away from it all and start-over. Let me explain (if I can...)

I'm a bit hyper-sensitive. Always have been. Probably always will be. Fifty percent of the time I love that about myself. I love that I can feel so filled-up with love and happiness that it spills over into tears. The other fifty percent of the time I hate that about myself. It causes me much undue distress and worry and fear. I can feel so deep in a well of hurt that it seems I will never get out. When all I want to do is dig myself out, and run as fast as I can away from that deep well. But not knowing what to do to dig myself out, I just sit in it. Full of self-doubt, full of feeling incapable, full of feeling unworthy of anything I have, full of feeling "what's the point?" I tend to keep to myself. I hold just about anyone I meet at a far distance, for fear if I let them in they won't like me or they will hurt me. I get my feelings hurt far too easily because I take everything very personally. Very. So when I'm down in that deep hole, I don't trust anyone else to help me out. They might throw me a rope, but it'll probably be frayed or not long enough. No, only I can dig myself out.

When I get like this; when my thoughts are consumed with this in-explainable questioning (for lack of a better word) I just want to escape to a place where I won't feel this way. I want to leave the places that leave me questioning myself. I want to walk away from everyone I know. I want someone to take the crazy, self-doubting feelings away. And that's usually when I tend towards doing something drastic to make a clean break from feeling so bad - delete FaceBook, delete my blog, chop my hair (as I did today.) Maybe the physical act of a big change will bring about the big change I so desperately need in my heart and mind. If I can distance myself as far away as possible from everyone else, I can help to keep these feelings at bay.

And then a few days pass, after many tears, many sleep-less nights lying awake just worrying and wondering what to do, and suddenly I find myself looking down in that deep well wondering how I even got down there, and why it took me so darn long to climb out. I've climbed out too many times to count. I should have it down pat. I should be able to just pull-myself out within a matter of hours. But oddly enough, the older I get, the longer it seems to take.

Friday I was in that deep, dark well. Today I am almost out. I know in a few more days I will be just fine and I will shake my head in shame, thinking, "Who is that girl? And doesn't she realize she has it all?"

(Sorry I don't have any photos for this post. No pretty picture could make this post not-so-gloomy. And don't worry, I doubt I will ever delete this space. I may walk away from time to time, but it will always be here. And speaking of drastic things, I almost deleted this entire post after I wrote it. Instead I just said a little prayer and hit publish.)

frustration.

I've been a bit frustrated with this whole blogging thing lately.
I can't figure out how to do a lot of the things I'd like to be able to do, like:

• Put a cute picture in the header. I can't figure out how to size it correctly.
• Link my Picture Inspiration posts to my Picture Inspiration page.
• Design a cuter header...

Sigh...
I've been working on it just about every night when I get a chance to sit down with my laptop.
But alas...I haven't figured it out.
Sigh...