Monday, October 1, 2012

a case of the mondays: randomness.


It's been awhile since I've posted some random thoughts here. I've got plenty of them, just haven't been in the frame of mind to post them here lately.

1. And speaking of posting here and on FB and on IG - I sometimes (ok, not sometimes, but often times lately) wonder, "what's the point?" I mean really, FB is just another place where words seem to travel out of my mouth and into a vast pit of nothingness. I sometimes want to say. "Hello out there?.." Really, it's become another place where I feel lost among the masses. And IG - all of those photos out there...I'm not printing any of them, so why am I taking so many with  my phone? And this space - I have so much to say, but I know I can't say half of what I'd like to. So, what's the point in any of it?...

2. Which leads to this second random thought - maybe it's time to bid farewell to FB. My real friends know how to contact me and will take the time to contact me if they want to see what I'm up to. I can't say I missed it the two weeks I was off FB in the summer, and I'm fairly certain noone missed my updates. I've often described FB "conversations" as being with a group of people talking and saying something only to have everyone else just go on talking as if they didn't hear a word I've said. I've experienced this before - try to jump in on a conversation, comment on a post, only to have what I've said fall of deaf ears apparently. Why bother commenting. Why bother posting. As I said above, what's the point in any of it?...

3. I'm still really disappointed that I have put myself out there and offered to do family photos for friends and family in the area and no one has shown any interest. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. No one. You know what that feels like?... It leaves me thinking that everyone just says I take great photos, but they really think otherwise. Actions speak louder than words in my book. And all I'd really love to do is take some lovely photos of some lovely families in the area and edit to my hearts content. And then give those families back a lovely gift to treasure years from now. I see other online/blogging friends doing it and it kills me every time because I know that dream isn't going to happen for me. And I wonder what I'm doing wrong, or if I'm really not that talented. I begin to question it all then - why I even take pictures in the first place. Maybe I'm not that great. Maybe this isn't my talent. Maybe I've got it all wrong.

4. (I realize at this point you're thinking you might want to skip on ahead to the next blog on your list of blogs to read... I never said this random list was going to be full of rainbows and unicorns. Skip on ahead if you so desire...)

5. I'm tired all of the time now. As in - I could go take a two hour nap twice a day - tired. Seizure medication changes will do that to a person. I don't think people get it either, and I really shouldn't expect that by explaining it to them will understand what I mean by sleepy all the time. The only real way to understand would be to have them try the medications. I'm tired of being tired all of the time. It effects my mood and patience. And it no doubt has an effect on Max.

6. I'm beginning to realize that some friends come into your life and serve a purpose for you at that point in time/teach you something, and then quietly exit your life. It's never easy, even when you know it's happening.

7. I know we will move one of these days. Sooner than later I am sure. Part of life in construction work. Do I want to go just anywhere? No. Not at all. Especially not to another small town. And not to the other side of the country. I'm a big city gal. Always will be. I crave the anonymity of a large city. My hope is that in a year or two we will be back in Seattle. Nearer to family that is available to help with Max so that I can go back to school or work.

8. I think it's obvious by now that I've spent far too much time in my own head lately...ruminating, over-thinking, stressing-out. It's hard for me not to do it though. I try to keep busy so I don't think about things going on in my life. Working used to keep all of this at bay. There was no time to think when focused on a project at work. No time to worry about these other life issues. But as a stay-at-home-mom, I find my mind wanders; I over-think, I worry. Cleaning toilets and vacuuming isn't exactly the intellectual stimulation needed to occupy my brain. So I push it deep down in the hopes that I can squash it to death...leave it all behind and never think about those things again. (No, it doesn't work...) It all bubbles back up to the surface. Oddly, and unfortunately, some of these things are the very first things I think of if I wake-up in the middle of the night. And it's always the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. It's like a shadow - haunting me all the time as I desperately try to out-run its grip. 

9. I need something else in my life. Not to say I don't love being a mom and being able to stay home. But most of my work is "doing" for others. I need to do something for me again. Preferably school. Maybe work. I don't know. I do know that I'm craving something more. I need some intellectual stimulation in a desperate way.

That's probably enough deep thoughts for this Monday morning. I realize this may not be real exciting or uplifting - these thoughts of mine. I thought about not sharing them, and deleting this post, but I'm going to be honest in this space. It's my space. I will say what I want to say here. And if people don't like it, they don't have to read. And I'm okay with that.


Marisa said...

Well, I'd take you up on a portrait offer in a heartbeat! I love your photographs.

But I get it. I have days/weeks like that, too. Nothing feels right and no one can make it better. Hope the rest of your week is better.

Heather M. said...

sounds like you are having a tough week. hang in there, andrea!

Michelle said...

I don't have any real wisdom for you but I will say to you very honestly that your photography is beautiful. Truly. And while I worked in the photography business for 6 years I had close friends and family never ask me to photograph them either. I learned that it's usually nothing personal. They may have issues with their weight or getting organized enough to get their stuff together and schedule some pics... whatever. Generally we make stuff way more about US than it is. Usually other people do stuff because THEY have their own issues/stuff going on. That's what I've learned about photography.

I also get you on the "what's the point" of social media stuff. I had an IG acct forever but never really used it (and probably still wouldn't) if I wasn't doing Project Life and printing those photos. I feel you on this. :)

Hope you have a better week ahead of you and are less tired as you get used to the new medication. :)

stacey said...

Get back to your root of taking photos. It's not to take photos of other people, is it? It's to document your beautiful life, which you do so beautifully. Don't be too hard on yourself, Andrea. If it's supposed to come, it will. Maybe God has a different plan for your photography in this phase of your life.

Yes on the friends comment. It is never easy. I've dealt with what you are talking about several times. I've found that the real and true friends stick around.

I think you should go out and get involved in something, A. Find a Bible study in your church...maybe a BSF group like Michelle does. I know it can be scary to get out there and get involved, I'm learning this, too.

I appreciate your honesty, A. People are reading, regardless of what you have to say. I went to a women's conference this weekend and there was a message I really think you should hear that would relate to a lot of this stuff. I'll send you the link when they put it online.

Praying for you.

Naomi said...

Hugs :)

penandview said...

Ditto what Michelle and Stacey said. Couldn't have said it any better. Keep picking up your camera, A. There are only a few photographers out there in the world where people are knocking down their doors to hire them. The rest of us spin our wheels to be busy...or just to look like we're busy. :)

Liza said...

Uh, did I write this post? How did you get into my brain? I have never seen a bad photograph on this blog. Forget the family and friends that aren't asking you to take their pic. Photograph all that brings you joy.

As far as FB...get off! It's all noise and chatter, anyways. My husband is administering my blog page for me on the FB, so friends and family can get keep up if they want. But I no longer need to validate my day or share how I feel in 150 words or less. Which is why I love blogger. You can get deeper and some people will get it.

As far as my's random, it's chaotic, it's on trend with my personality and what I want to explore du jour. I'm sure I might lose some people with my recent fashion posts. But those that have known me since, forever, know that I'm a bit of a fashionista and I'm not afraid to show it. I'm doing it, mostly, because I want to feel closer to my mom and my BFF back in Florida that I miss to pieces. So, it's less about the fashion and more about the relationship between the two of them. We'll actually talk about it when they call.

Are you still reading this? I'm sorry, if I've rambled. But everything you said, I have said to myself and outloud to my husband. Don't doubt your talent. You have a beautiful approach to your photography. I would hate to see you miss out on your little moments. You have an awesome collection of memories.

ZeldaMom said...

Andrea, ditto all of the above.
If you are taking all of these beautiful photos for other people that may or may not care, then why do it. God blessed you with a talent, did he mean for you to take pictures of other people? Maybe not. But to give up because cyber world doesn't acknowledge you the way it does others would be a huge waste of a wonderful gift.
Give yourself a little more time with the meds, take care of yourself, love yourself.
Maybe see if you can take some classes when Max is in school.
If you find yourself in Need of help...give a yell, we'll find a way. Life can be so overwhelming when you feel like you don't have a purpose.
One more thing, not many people admit to the bad in their lives, only the good. Just like we only post the decent looking photos of ourselves.
Keep those photos coming!!
(geez, I sound like a mom)