newport: a preview

more to come once I figure out this beach/shooting into the sun/hazy skies editing thing...

first day of first grade.

He had a good day.
And that's all this mom was hoping for, really.
He didn't really want his picture taken but I told him he wouldn't get to play with my ipad if he didn't let me take a few pics. That seemed to work, but the fake "cheese" smile is evident.
Notice those two missing upper teeth. :)
We still have the issue of actually eating the lunch he brings to school to work on, but I think he'll figure that one out fairly quickly. ;)
I remember holding him as a baby and toddler and thinking I that "all day, everyday" school days were SO far away...and they'd never get here soon enough for this exhausted mom who day-dreamed of a reprieve from the non-stopness that is motherhood. But now here they are...
And just like that I'm back to days alone with the dog and no job - just like when I left work and went on bedrest five weeks before having Maxwell.
Different dog, but we'll keep each other company just the same.
I'm just happy this dude above is back in school and getting to see his friends on a regular basis.
And unlike last year, this mom did not shed a tear.
He's a happy kiddo - no need for tears.

colorado: these two.

I took a month off from this space.
I turned the big FOUR-ZERO back at the end of June...
We went to visit relatives in Colorado in early July...
And I just took some time to take care of me...
But I'm back.
More Colorado photos to come.

But these two - guaranteed to make me laugh.

inch by inch: last day of kindergarten.

Yesterday was the last day of Kindergarten (You can see the first day of school post HERE to compare photos.) I'm not sure it really phased Max. He had a classmate's birthday party to go to immediately after school, so he got to spend more time with a few of his favorite buddies.

But when he came home he was more than a little quiet and sad. You see, two of his best friends from class are moving this summer. Poor dude. He will make new friends in first grade, and he has plenty of other friends from school that aren't going anywhere. But it made me sad to see him so sad about it. I don't know what that's like really - none of my best friends moved when I was a kid. (And in the end, I was the one who did the moving away from all of my best friends...ironic...)

Anyway, it was a great year! He had an amazing teacher, amazing staff and principal. And I really enjoyed helping out in his class. It was a good year! I'm happy to say that the rumors of how great Camas schools are is more than true.

On Monday the Kindergarteners had their end of school year program. They sang two songs. The second song they sang was The Garden Song aka Inch by Inch. You've probably heard it before.

I am happy to say that I didn't shed a tear, though I came quiet close. I had a lump in my throat the entire time they were singing. Here's a bit of the lyrics:

Inch by inch, row by row
Gonna make this garden grow
Gonna mulch it deep and low
Gonna make it fertile ground

Inch by inch, row by row
Please bless these seeds I sow
Please keep them safe below
'Till the rain comes tumbling down

Pullin' weeds and pickin' stones
We are made of dreams and bones
Need a place to call my own
'Cause the time is close at hand

Grain for grain, sun and rain
Find my way in nature's chain
Till my body and my brain
Tell the music of the land





A little John Denver for you... 

Happy summer, friends!!

slice of life: haagen dazs (aka how come he gets the last one?)

   

The little stinker took the last one. I thought he was going for a popsicle and I turn around to see he's got the last Haagen Dazs. With nuts!!
When I showed Eric the photos on the back of my camera he said, "How come he gets the last one?"
I told him it was only because he didn't get to it first. HA!



Max had a few bites.
And then you know what he did?
He tossed it in the garbage. I kid you not!
That kid of mine tossed half a Haagen Dazs with chocolate and nuts in the garbage.

(I won't tell you if I grabbed it out of the garbage and rinsed it off or not...)

the (mini) mariners.

I took my big girl camera to the t-ball game Friday night. It was a warm day, but a little hazy so I knew the light would be good - and not too harsh. And I was kinda thinking it might be the last nice weather chance at photos (as I sit here typing and watching it rain...)
There was way too much going on in terms of people, colors and other distractions to leave these in color. The beauty of black and white is it's ability to alleviate some of the visual chaos in photos where it's near impossible to clone out every extra person, cars, and all those other distractions.

this is why.

He had just gotten his hair cut and they put some wax hair gel in his hair. It smelled like grapes.
He smelled like grapes.
He didn't like his new stylish "doo" and he kept messing with his hair.
Dad was getting the sprinklers working for spring and summer, and Max was playing in his Bronco.

I saw my chance and I grabbed my camera.
And I caught this little moment.
This little moment that when I look at it speaks volumes to me.
There's a look in his eyes...
And the expression on his face...
His messed hair and pen on his hands.
I can still feel the moment I snapped the shutter.
Sometimes you capture more than just pixels on a sensor.
Sometimes you capture an emotion, a feeling, a little piece of the person.
I did just that in this moment.

And this is why I take pictures.
This is why I love photography.
This is why I am a photographer.

gameboy boy.

Max has had this old Gameboy for awhile now. The other day while playing Tetris he asked, "Is this a toy from the olden days?" I chuckled and said, "Yes. It is from the olden days." Then he says, "It was made in 1989." (I guess there was a manufacture date on it?...) And I chuckled again and said, "Yep. Waayyy back when I was a junior in high school and daddy graduated from high school."

Couple this with the fact that I'll be forty in less than two months, and I feel old, friends.

And while he has told me he doesn't like me to post photos on the blog of him sucking his thumb, well, I'm going to anyway. 'Cause I'm mom and I can do that. ;)

Happy weekending, friends!
a

slice of life: gameboy.

Saturday, April 27th 2013 8:13 am

lunch with my max.

It's been a week. Personally, and out there in the world.
What a week.
And my tendency when the going gets tough is to check-out with my iPhone or iPad or washing dishes or folding clothes or cleaning bathrooms, and finding a million other things to do just to numb my mind a bit, and escape from having to be present in the moment. Because if I have to be present in the moment I might just have to feel some things I don't really want to feel. Horrifying, I know.
But then I made lunch for my guy, and realized that he's only got eight and a half weeks of school left.
And that means I only get to sit with him while he has lunch before heading to kindergarten for eight and a half more weeks.
So I grabbed my camera and sat down.
I stopped "doing" and just was present for a few minutes.

My camera helps me do that.
I need to remember that when I want to escape, I really just need to grab my trusty Nikon and start snapping away.
You can't check-out while taking pictures.
And besides that, I need to stop waiting for inspiration to find me and just pick-up my camera and start somewhere.
All great things begin by simply starting right?

these two.

Monday April 1st I had my appointment with my ENT to get the splints taken out of my nose since having nose surgery the week before. (I know you just read "splints taken out of nose" and cringed and wondered if you wanted to keep reading...) I took a taxi (expensive ride into downtown Portland!) there and my brother kindly agreed to meet me there and give me a ride home (He knows first-hand the nastiness of this surgery). Last time I had this surgery 22 years ago, I hyperventilated and almost passed out in the office when they took the miles of packing out. (Ewww, right?...) So I planned accordingly this time around. Wasn't going to chance driving myself.

Anyway, Uncle Wes was kind enough to drive me home and then stay and play with Max for a couple of hours until T-ball practice.

These two.

Together... A crazy, hilarious pair.

Two peas in a pod.

They had me laughing so hard - which was quite painful for the schnoz which was still terribly swollen and sporting stitches. (Who knew the nose moves so much when you laugh?!)

It was some long over-due and much needed laughter in my life.
Love these two.

the box of shame.

A few weeks ago our microwave broke, so we got a new one. And since I was done with white appliances, and chose a black microwave we kind of had to get a new black oven/stove top. And then since it was driving my husband crazy to have two black appliances, a stainless fridge and a white dishwasher, we bought a new black dishwasher to match. (No new fridge, we just got that one last year.)
Anyway, he installed the dishwasher and we were left with a big cardboard box. And everyone knows that kids love big boxes, right?
So my Maxwell - what does he make? A box of shame. At the time he had been on a kick of watching Despicable Me - and if you've seen it you know the scene where the girl is in the "box of shame" at the home for girls.

So Max made a box of shame. And quickly proceeded to get Sammy to go in it. And then quickly proceeded to convince Gma to help hold the box closed so Sammy couldn't get out, but could only peek through the "window" in the box. Yes, he even used a lot of tape!

She looked so sad in there. Staring up at Gma as if to ask, "Why are you partaking in keeping me in this box? What have I ever done that's so awful? I'm not a bad dog."
It was cute and pathetic all at the same time.

And a week later Max got in the box. Grinning from ear to ear at that point because it had become the office in his huge fort made of couch cushions and blankets.

But it got me thinking - especially after reading Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection -
how many of us recognize the difference between guilt and shame?...
There is a difference. I didn't realize it until I had read Brene's books above.
Guilt tells us we DID something bad. Our behavior was bad.
Shame tells us we ARE bad. That as a person, who did something not so good, that automatically makes our entire being and who we are - BAD.
See the difference? Guilt is about behavior. Shame is about our very being and who we are as a person.
HUGE difference, huh?
Guilt makes us feel bad about something we said or did.
Shame slowly erodes at our sense of self, our sense of worthiness, and sense of whether we are lovable just as we are - good, bad and ugly combined.
Shame leaves us wondering if we are really "enough."

I'm the first to admit that it's quick to make the jump from "your behavior was bad" to "you are bad."
I've put Max in that box.
I've put my husband in that box.
I've put friends and family in that box.
And worse yet, I continue to willing put myself in that box, and label myself as the bad mom/wife/friend/daughter/sister/photographer/etc.
"You yelled at Max - you're a bad person."
"You weren't patient with Max - you're a bad person."
"You snapped at Eric because you're in a bad mood - you're a bad person."
"You yanked on the dog's leash because she's taking forever to go potty while you stand in the pouring rain - You're a bad person." I've shamed myself to the moon and back, ten ways till Sunday.

Think about it. Really think about it...
How many times have you mistaken poor choices in behavior of others as them being bad.
We do it all the time as parents, right? We've all said to our kid, "You're a bad boy/girl. Don't do that again!" When we really should be saying, "Your behavior was not nice/uncalled for/disrespectful/(fill-in-the-blank) Please do not BEHAVE that way again."
See the difference?
Big difference.

That box is still sitting in our living room. Part of me wants to toss it. Burn it even, as a symbol of telling shame where the heck it can go. And part of me wants to keep it around as a reminder of how often I put others and myself in that box.

And if you are a parent or spouse or sibling or daughter/son or friend to anyone on God's green earth, I highly suggest you read Daring Greatly. And then read it again.

My deep thoughts for Monday.
a.