January 365+1

So, I kinda decided to do a 365 (+1) project this year. A fellow blogger kinda convinced me when she emailed me after I had commented on a post about her 365 project. She told me that she goes into her 365 project thinking:

1. It's ok to quit.
2. Nothing has to be perfect or gorgeous.
3. Show life how it actually is.

She just happened to address three things I have a difficult time with. Unless someone is paying me or grading me I tend to have problems committing to projects. Something I need to work on. And I often feel like I can't show life how it actually is because it's not perfect or gorgeous, and I really want it to be perfect and/or gorgeous. (Even though I know life will never be either.) I knew better than to commit to doing this project with my Nikon. I signed-up for Tracey Clark's Picture Inspiration last year and I maybe got half way through it. Or maybe not. So I have committed to doing this project with my iPhone on Instagram (andreameisgeier if you're looking for me.) I always have my phone with me.

Anyway, here are my photos for January. I even put them in order. My template had 36 squares, so I threw-in an extra five photos for ya, starting with the eighth photo (that glorious purple sunset) and going diagonally down to the last photo. January was easy in terms of numbering my photos. Let's just hope I get the numbering correct for the rest of the year. And yes Erika, your mission is complete! You got Andrea to do a 365! ;-)

(And maybe next year I will do a 365 with my big girl camera. Or maybe not. I have 335 days to decide.)

one year. one month. and one day.

Since I started this blog.

My blog anniversary was December 28th of 2011. And being that it was just three days after Christmas I didn't get a post up. So, here it is. I'm not sure why I started a blog just three days after Christmas. Maybe it was because December 28th is my half birthday? I don't know. I don't remember, really.

So I figured I might as well let you all know one month and one day after my one year blogging anniversary.

(Did any of that make any sense?)

I would have to say my photography has come a long way since then. (Please, don't go back and look at those early photos...yikes...)

Thanks for reading, friends. Thanks for all of your encouraging words along the way. I've met so many amazing people in the past one year, one month and one day. ;) People I consider kindred spirits. People I feel connected to on a different level. Maybe because we share the same interest in photography. Maybe because we enjoy the self-reflecting process that is blogging. This is a little slice of my world that is all me. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I think you know what I mean. I was a little lost after I had Max (aren't all new moms?) And I felt a bit like I'd lost my own identity. But I've reclaimed a little bit of it here in this space over this past year. I may be Max's mom and Eric's wife, but to you all I'm simply, Andrea. And that's nice.

xo.

a

52 linked: tired.

Tired. I'm tired of sleeping in his bed. But at the same time (and more importantly), I'm usually tired enough to not really care where I sleep, so long as I get some sleep. So in the middle of the night, when he comes in our room to get me, I crawl in his bed and sleep here. Because I'm just that tired.

*****

A few other friends are joining-in on the linked adventure. Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.Want to join us? Leave a comment and let me know, and I'll send you more information.

Michelle, Stacey, Tracey, Heather, Naomi, Amanda, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Rhonda, Lena, Rose, Janet, Tracy, Sara, Lesli, Kristin, Veronica, Heather, Heidi,   

five.

He turned five on the tenth. I'm very late in getting a birthday post up. Late is just how I roll these days.
But better late than never.

We celebrated on his birthday, the next weekend at my parents house, and then he just had his birthday party with friends on Sunday. Needless to say he has a ton of gifts now. A ton of gifts right after Christmas. (Makes me glad I have a summer birthday.)

FIVE

You love to sing

You love to be silly

You go running to greet your dad when he gets home from work (just like Maggie used to do :)

You love school

You love to have books read to you at night

You love to write words and numbers

You have great handwriting for your age

You are smart!

You are fiercely stubborn

You can play with two pencils for hours, pretending they are people with their own little lives

You are creative

You like to paint

You have a ton of toys and yet never play with the same thing for very long. Always changing it up

You love to come into our room and night and ask me to sleep in your bed

You love popsicles, ice cream with Magic Shell, homemade mac and cheese, broccoli, salad with blue cheese dressing, Goldfish, chips, and Chipoltle

You love knock-knock jokes

You have the best laugh ever

You love your blanket with the bear on it

You love your "extra" jammies

And you are loved to the moon and back.

Happy Birthday, Max.

the light.

One of my photography goals this year (yes, I'm making myself make some goals) is to look for the light. Notice light and shadows, and how they dance together. By looking for the light I think I'll start to notice more than just an obvious subject. I feel like I've struggled with understanding exposure and getting a certain type of light in my photos. I can't really describe what I'm searching for, but I know it when I see it.

This is one example. I was just wandering around, doing things around the house when I noticed how this little sliver of sunlight fell on the magazine holder and edge of the couch. Quick like a bunny (yes, I just said that) I grabbed my camera, thought about my camera settings and took a few photos. 

A fine beginning to a little series I'm starting. :)

52 linked: breakfast.

This, my friends, was his breakfast yesterday. Apples, pistachios and berry juice from Starbucks (and some random foreign coin, which was not for breakfast.) Breakfast is a struggle as of late (along with lunch and dinner.) He used to reliably eat peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Every single morning. Then dad turned him on to Fluffernutters (marshmallow fluff with peanut butter)  without the nutter. And that was the end of that. Now Max claims that he doesn't like PB & H sandwiches. So he eats whatever I can get him to eat these days. He claims his tummy is always telling him that it is hungry for candy or popsicles or ice cream.

I won't be winning the "mother of the year" award anytime soon...

And those apples were still in that bowl at dinner time. And he didn't eat a single one.

(Side note: This is a perfect example of thinking that things around my house are uninspiring and not worth photographing. I really don't like this photo. It's also a perfect example of me procrastinating and taking the photo the day before our Linked Friday. Next week I will not wait till the last minute to take my photo.)

*****

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Want to join us? Leave a comment and let me know, and I'll send you more information.

Michelle

Stacey

Tracey

Heather

Jenn

Kristin

Jessica

Amanda M

Lesli

Amanda

  Sara 

Janet

 Tracy

Naomi

Rhonda

Rose

Lena

a beautiful mess.

{Some pretty photos to go along with the long post I knew was coming, but just didn't know it was coming today.}

Today I was in Target looking for supplies for Max's birthday party. I looked up and saw another mom from preschool standing beside me doing the very same thing for her Max who is in the AM preschool class. We've chatted before and we were in Kindermusik with our Maxs a few years ago. Anyway, we were discussing our parties and party supplies, when she motioned to my stomach area and asked, "Are you pregnant?" Every non-pregnant woman's greatest fear. I laughed and said no, and told her we had been trying for about three years now, and that we did the whole IUI/IVF thing, and spent thousands...yada yada yada. We chatted awhile, she apologized again and again, I apologized for telling her our lengthy trying-to-get-prego journey, and then we went back to chatting about our parties. And then I spent the next few minutes getting the rest of the things I needed to get, desperately trying to keep it together as I wandered the aisles. And then I got to my car, started my drive home, and started crying.

I wasn't neccessarilty crying because she asked if I was pregnant when I wasn't. (Though I will remember not to wear any clingy tops anymore. And I guess I need to step-up my working-out) I was crying because I had come face to face, once again, with the fact that I'm not pregnant. After all the money and time and emotion - I didn't get pregnant. It took me a good month or so after we found out I wasn't pregnant to get back to having normal days where I didn't cry everyday. I had it all under control. I had buried it deep down in the depths of my being, shut and locked that door and threw away the key. Or so I thought. I don't want to go into some lengthy re-hashing of what I went through and what I'm feeling and how I'm coping. I don't want to be Debbie Downer. And I know I sound like a broken record. But I will be honest.

 It hurts a little everytime I hear someone is pregnant, or see someone who is pregnant.

It hurts a little when I walk by the baby section at Target and realize I will never get to shop in that department again (at least not for myself.) And I'm sure lots of other moms with older kids feel sentimental when they pass the baby section at the store, but it's not the same as passing it with a heart that feels robbed of a dream.

It hurts a bit as I go through Max's old clothes to give them to Goodwill. The clothes I had saved in case we had another boy. The clothes I won't be needing now.

It hurts a little every time I see families with more than one child, which is pretty much everyone I know. (I think I know two friends that only have one child.) It feels a bit like not being part of the "club"; that I don't get to be part of something special that these other families are part of. They get to see their kids playing and fighting together. They get to take photos of their kids together. (I can barely get my one to let me take his photo.)

I know I sound petty. I realize it's only been about four months since we got the bad news, but I really just want the hurt to go away now. Not in another six months or another year or five years, but now. And I want it to go away for good. I don't ever want to feel all of this sadness and anger and disappointment again. I'm tired of it. It's exhausting. Between that and losing our dog last August, I'm just sad and spent. I think it's drained it all out of me. I don't care about blogging or taking photos or running or setting any goals. I really just want to zone out for a long time until I can re-enter my life without the hurt there following me around. I know that'll never happen. All that I experienced last year is part of my story. It's a sad chapter in the book that is my life. It has molded me into the person I am today. I'm not the same girl I was before we started this journey. How could I be? Anyone who has successfully or unsuccessfully taken that journey through IVF knows that it changes a core part of your being. It pushes you to the emotional edge. It deepens your longing. It ignites fear and anger. It tests your patience. It creates a great sense of wonder and amazement in the creation of a life. It is life-changing. 

My head tells me I will get through this slump. I always get through the slumps. But my heart tells me it's going to take a lot longer than I thought it would to heal. And even then there will be a little scar. A reminder of the heart-wrenching little chapter in my life. But for now I just want the hurt to go away. Just for one day I'd like to not think about it at all.

That's me being honest. That's me being me. A beautiful mess.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

-Amy Grant

sunsets.

Sometimes there are no words to describe a sunset.

shed a little light.

It may be a day off from school and work, but don't forget who this day is really about.

*****

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

52 linked: cold

Cold. I don't mind the cold. We get some nice, cold, sunny weather in the winter. And the twice a decade snow storm. I like my room cold when I sleep. And I love that we have air conditioning now that we've moved to Camas (no one has AC in Seattle. Seattlites just suffer through the twice a decade hot summers they get.) I can handle cold temperatures much better than hot. Perhaps that's because you can layer on the clothes as thick as you want. When it's hot there is only so much you can take off, and then you just have to endure the heat.

But cold is the nemesis of my teeth. And nothing makes me cringe more than seeing people bite into and chew a popsicle. Or chew ice. It sends shivers up my spine. My dental hygienist knows - only use warm water in my mouth unless you want to have to peel me off the ceiling. And I will never, ever forget the time when the dentist used a small stick of ice to find the sensitive spots on my teeth. That may be the easiest way to narrow down those areas, but also the most torturous way. Worst. Pain. Ever. It took everything in my power not to slap his hand away from my face.

So, while this peek into my freezer may look "cool" (pun intended), the ice cream and popsicles give me chills (pun intended, again.) But that bottle of whipped cream vodka...delicious in root beer or orange soda.

*****

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Want to join us? Leave a comment and let me know, and I'll send you more information.

Michelle

Stacey

Tracey

Heather

Jenn

Kristin

Jessica

Amanda M

Lesli

Amanda

  Sara 

Janet

the disco ball.

I know I'm terribly late on posting a few photos from our Christmas. I wasn't really planning on sharing any photos, but when I finally downloaded photos a few nights ago I found these. And I just had to share. Just imagine him in something other than his favorite PJs, and the disco ball hanging from the ceiling.

Remember that face and name, folks. Someday he will be famous. :)

A little silly?...

52 linked: newness.

Newness

I saw these at Trader Joes earlier this week. Happy, little, new daffodils. Soon nature will be full of newness - green buds on trees, flowers just peeking out through the soil. It reminded me a bit of the new year, and all that comes with that "clean slate" - new adventures, new opportunities, new memories to be made. Newness all around just waiting to open-up in the warmth of the sun.

* * *

My friend, Michelle, had a great idea to link-up for a 52 week project this year. I am taking the plunge and will do my best to participate every week, though I've occaisionally been know to procrastinate to the very last minute. A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure. Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Michelle

Stacey

Tracey

Heather

Jenn

Kristin

If you would like to join us on this little weekly adventure just let me know in the comments, below. Our theme for next week is "Cold."

one word.

I had this huge, long post all written about my One Word for 2012. I spent a fair amount of time pondering my word and thinking about what I wanted it to look like in my life this year. I was certain this was my word. I chose it, so it just had to be my word. But all the while I was typing and pondering, another word kept edging its way into my mind. It was calling my name: 

be present

I thought my word for this year was Believe. But no. Be Present kept calling my name. It's been written on my heart for months now. Being present is tough one for me. I know it shouldn't be - I have one young child who will be 18 and off to college before I know it - but it is. There, I said it. (Isn't admitting you have a problem the first step?...) Everyday I have choices. And so this year these are my choices:

Be Present with Max. Spend active time with my son. He won't be at home forever. I need to make memories for the both of us now.

Be Present with my friends and family. This means putting aside the distractions. Who's more important? The person I'm playing Words with Friends with? Or checking FB or Flickr? OR the person I'm having a nice cup of coffee with? The person sitting across from me.

Be Present in the health of my body. Stop putting off trying to lose weight and get in shape, and just start doing it. Lace-up my shoes and walk or run. Go to another pilates class. Try yoga. Do something.

Be Present in my photography. I spend more time feeling frustrated and wishing I could take pictures like all the other photographer friends I know, and so I give-up. I must pick-up my camera if I'm ever going to get those pretty pictures. I just need to keep snapping.

Be present in my life. This is a hard one for me to explain... I hide behind a lot of things - TV, books, my computer, my phone. I hide behind these as a way of not having to face my life. I've always had a picture of what my life was supposed to look like, and when the picture doesn't mesh with reality (and it never does, right?) I tend to escape or push it to the nether-regions of my mind. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? (I know the answer to that one...) I also spend far too much time ruminating the past and worrying about the future. I've always been like this. So, I need to be an active participant in creating my journey. This journey that was artful crafted by Him.