tgif: black bean & corn salsa.

Why yes indeed this blogger is posting a recipe. I don't think I've ever done that before. I'm not a cook who makes big, fancy meals. Well, not very often these days.
I found this yummy black bean & corn salsa-like salad at the salad bar at New Seasons. It's yummy. And after treating myself to a lovely salad with this black bean and corn mixture and their to-die-for homemade buttermilk ranch dressing, I realized I could probably just make it myself and not pay an arm and a leg for it.

What you'll need:
1 can black beans, rinsed
1 can sweet corn, rinsed
3-4 green onions
1 tomato
1/2 a sweet onion or red onion
1/2 red pepper
1/2 green pepper
cilantro

Finely chop the green onions, tomato, sweet onion, red pepper, green pepper and cilantro.
Rinse and toss the black beans and sweet corn in a big bowl.
Toss in all those yummy veggies.
Chop more of any of those veggies you can't get enough of... like tomato. ;)

You can eat as is in a big bowl with a big spoon.
Or you can shred some cheese and make throw a little of that goodness into a quesadilla.
That's what we did.

And I garnished with a little more salsa and a squeeze of lime juice.
Are you drooling yet?...

I know I'm ready for seconds!
And this concludes my first, and perhaps only, recipe blog post.
You're welcome!

Happy Friday, friends!

(And if I ever figure out how to make a delicious, homemade buttermilk ranch dressing I will most certainly share with you!)

almost forty.

I've thought about this space often in the past month as I've posted not so often.
Good thoughts and bad thoughts. Thoughts of indifference.
I've been thinking about what to say here and my mind draws a blank.
Nothing feels all that important to share. And at the same time the things on my mind lately are far too important and personal to share here.
And I don't have any fabulous photos I'm just giddy about.

In fifteen days I turn 40, and I'm feeling rather blah about it all.
Another decade has almost passed, and it's left me with a lot of thinking about what has transpired since I turned 30:
got engaged
moved back in with my parents
planned a wedding
got married
quit a job
moved to a new city, leaving a city I had always called home behind
found a job
got laid-off
found another job - hated the commute
found a job two miles from home - loved the commute!
got pregnant
had a baby
went back to work
quit work
heartbreak over the death of a best friend
stayed home
had two seizures and broke a shoulder blade all in one night
started taking medication I will be on for the rest of my life
mono
stayed home with my sweet little Max
tried like crazy to have another child
then threw a crap-load of money at the attempts to try to have a second child
gave-up trying to have a second child
more heartbreak over the death of my beloved Maggie dog
took a few college credit classes here and there
drove Max here there and everywhere - school, speech appointments, swim lessons, tball, soccer, parties, etc.
watched my only boy get on a school bus last September
lots of trips to the city that will always be home
lots of visits with my sister friends in that city that will always be home
laughter
smiles
hugs
tears
arguments
angry words
more tears
more laughter
enthusiasm and dreams traded in for reality of mid-life adulthood

Who knew you could shove so much into a decade?
No wonder I'm exhausted and feel more like I'm turning 50.
No wonder people say the 30s are the hardest years.

I always thought the older I got the more sure of my self and my life I would feel.
But I think I felt surer of myself when I was in my 20s and in college.
The path was clear. My mission was clear. I wasn't doing too many things at once.
I wasn't wearing too many hats and trying to fill others' cups and spreading myself too thin.
I was simply and unapologetically, ME.

Funny thing about the passage of time - looking back at gives you more points with which to reference what was really good, what was really bad, when you felt sure of things, when you had no clue. Sure, if you had asked me when I was 23 and just starting my MA if I knew what I was doing, I'd have looked you straight in the eye and told you "No, but I'm just going to do it anyway. And I'll do it with flying colors and bells on." Looking back - that 23 year old sure as hell knew what she was doing. That girl knew what she was doing far more than the almost-40 year old person I've become. Ask me that today and I'd likely not look you in the eyes, shrug, burst into tears and tell you I have no clue what I'm doing or who I am anymore.
Mid-life crisis? (Yeah, just a bit...)

So I'm left wondering, "what's the point of this post?... why am I writing it all here?...who's going to read it?...." I'm writing this to leave this as one of those reference points that I will look back on five, ten, twenty years from now and be able to say, "Yes. That was hard, but you got through it. See, it all turned out okay."

I'm in that place of "what's the point? does any of this really even matter anymore?" (I know it does, but humor me for a bit..)
Maybe it's the monotony of motherhood.
Maybe it's a lack of sole focus on just me that comes with marriage and motherhood.
Maybe I took off in such a sprint once I got out of college 15 years ago, that I didn't take the proper time to take care of myself along the way.
And now I'm paying the price for all that sprinting.
Sitting on the sidelines of my life, head in my hands, dripping in sweat, salty tears on my face, trying desperately to catch my breath while I wait for that 25 year old me to slowly catch-up. And man, I think that 25 year old me is a little pissed I left her behind like that...oh boy, have I got some explaining to do...

I'm not sure anymore.
I've over-thought it to death and it's rolling over in its grave now.

Forty will come and go. It's just another day.
Another trip around the sun.
And I'll keep on keeping on...
Maybe I'll slow it down a bit this next decade.
Maybe I've learned from some of the mistakes of the past.
I suppose time will tell.

this thing lately.

And if I were fearless, 

then I'd speak my truth

and the world would hear this

That's what I wish I'd do, yeah.

~Sara Bareilles~

I've been doing this thing lately...
I've been working on learning to speak my truth.
I've been regularly going to sit on "the couch of angst" as the person I pay to talk to, listen to my story, and provide some guidance, likes to call it. I'll just call her a mentor of sorts - that has a nicer ring to it than that other word.
It's been hard work. Some days I just want to call it quits. I'm so tired of thinking about it and talking about it and ruminating... That couch of angst gets me angsty. It makes me nervous, and I get all red in the face and my social anxiety makes it's appearance again. It'd be easier to just not go.
Speaking your truth isn't easy for a people pleaser / "tell them what they want to hear or just shut-up" person like me. It's scary stuff. To open your mouth and speak truth that might hurt others (okay, that will knowingly hurt others) isn't fun. But it's necessary.
After almost 40 years of living, I've just figured that out: it's necessary.

I know plenty - plenty - of people who just say what they want to say.
No holds barred.
People who unapologetically just speak their truth.
These people amaze me to no end. They sometimes often make me feel really uncomfortable because - oh my good Lord above, did you really just say that in that tone of voice to your husband?! And did you really just call your daughter a brat in front of me?!...
Just saying what you want to say - outloud - is so foreign to me.
I wonder why that is?... I suppose sitting on the couch of angst might help me figure that out. Only time will tell.  I have my suspicious it boils down to that end-all, be-all need to be loved and liked and accepted and wanted and all that teenagey-like stuff. Yada, yada, yada...
Don't get me wrong, I am a master at the internal dialogue.
Oh if you could hear the conversations I have in my head. If you could hear the verbal sling-shots that go unsaid. You'd likely be appalled. You might not even want to be my friend, or read my blog, or friend me on IG or FB. I don't know how you'd react.
And for now I guess I'll never know.
And really how the collective "you" would react shouldn't even matter, right?
Someday. Someday, I hope to be the master at speaking my truth - out-loud.
Even if it stings a little.
And I guess a part of me really hopes that I'll be loved even more for doing so.

But for now, I'll continue to sit on that couch of angst and see how this all unfolds.

(And sometimes just hitting that publish button is scary stuff.)

radiant with charms.

I just finished reading The Language of Flowers, and according to the flower dictionary in the back of the book ranunculus means "you are radiant with charms."

this new year. this clean slate. (december 365+1)

New Year. Clean slate. Time for Change. Yes, change is my "one word" I've chosen for 2013.

I had a big, long, rambling blog post going and then I looked at it, highlighted it, and hit delete. I think a simple list of things I would like to change will do...

~  change my eating habits

~ change my exercise habits (um, which basically means get off my hiney and do something. I'm contemplating a half marathon. Maybe...)

~ change my parenting - lighten-up a bit on some things and focus a bit more on the more important issues going on with Max.

~ change my thinking. I can't really explain this one very well, but I tend to think worst case scenario about just about everything. I tend to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I can go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. I'm a "reacter" (apparently that's not really a word, but I just created it.) I need to work a bit more on being a thinker first - putting things in perspective - and then reacting.

~ change the people I surround myself with. Seek out the positive, supportive influences in my life and spend more time nurturing those relationships. I tend to find and seek out the company of the people who never have free-time and are just plain too busy with everything else in life. I'm a firm believer that you have to carve out the time in your life for others around you - for kids, your spouse, your friends. If you want to have relationships that grow, you have to make the time to nurture those relationships.

~ change the amount of time I spend reading the Word. I'm looking forward to re-connecting with the Bible Study group I was part of last year. 

~ change my photo-snapping habits. 2012 was the year of the iPhone and all of the wonderful photo editing apps. I even completed a 365+1 with my iPhone. 2013 will be the year of the Nikon! I will pick her up more often - hopefully daily!
 (I'm sure I'll think of a million more things I need to change about myself in the coming months...and maybe I'll come back and add them to the list.)

Twenty-thirteen will be a year of big change. Of that I am certain.

What are your goals this year? Do you make resolutions? Choose a word to live by for the year?

november 365+1 (and some randomness because I know you've missed it)

1. I never, ever put the pizza directly on the pizza rack. MESS. Never.

2. I iron only about every two or three months. Thus my husband has to buy more shirts for work, which means there are more shirts that have the potential of needing ironing. But like he said, he has to have enough shirts for work to last two or three months. Makes sense to me.

3. I think public schools have gone overboard with the whole trying to be PC thing, and not offend anyone with anything they do. In turn I think they are teaching kids that they need to please everybody all of the time, or at least not tick-off anybody. All bad, IMHO. We are going to have generations of people pleasers on our hands in no time at all. I can say this because I am a people pleasers to a fault. Not a good thing. I'm trying to learn to put me first, set some boundaries for myself and those around me, say no, and be okay with knowing that some things I do or say might not be agreeable to others and that's okay. My opinions make me, ME. I hope Max learns to be himself, and that it's okay to disagree and say no. As many a mom has said before, and will say again, "Life isn't fair." So let's try our best to NOT raise a generation of kids who think everything has to be fair and equal. That's not preparing them for the real world.

4. If given a choice, I'd hire a full-time cook over a house cleaner any old day.

5. I'm recorded on vinyl. Twice, actually. Junior High School band. Not sure if I should be proud of this or a little ashamed. ;-) I do still own the records, just don't have a record player to play them on.

6. I will never understand tail-gating before football games. (Oh, who am I kidding?...I'll never understand the fascination with football period.)

7. The years I lived in the dorms in college were some of the best years of my life. I would go back to those years in a heart-beat.

8. I have zero desire to ever live in any part of the country that annually has to worry about tornados or hurricanes. I can't imagine worrying about losing my home every year. Sure, we are overdue for the "big one" earthquake here in the Pacific Northwest, but I'll take that chance. I worry way too much about enough things - I don't need to add worry over losing my home every tornado/hurricane season.

9. I clean the kitchen as I go when I cook or bake. I'm type A like that.

10. Someday when I go back to work and earn my own money again, I will take my mom on a trip to Hawaii. She has never been (nor have I) and I'm afraid she might never go if my brother or I don't take her.

11. I aspire to all sorts of great things, but worry I will never have the opportunity or the resources or the money to chase those dreams. This kind of breaks my heart.

12. I need some intellectual stimulation. I'm craving it. I spend too much time at home doing monotonous house-work over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with housework, but I crave more. And I have no clue what will fulfill that craving.

13. My brother is getting married this weekend and I am in the wedding. As an attendant/groomsman of sorts, I suppose. It will be the sixth wedding in which I've been an attendant. And hopefully the last wedding in which I'm an attendant. ;) Max is one of the ring-bearers. He will be wearing a tux. You can all take a moment now to image the utter cuteness of my Maxwell in a tux....     <pause>     ...Cute, huh?...

14. I finally caved and bought an Elf on the Shelf. His name is Buddy Meisgeier. And he is CREEE-py! Just plain creepy. Those big eyes looking off to the side...Gives me the chills. But Max seems to think he's really cool, and it has been a useful tool for getting Max to behave a bit more. And now I'm desperately searching Pinterest and blogs for cute Elf on the Shelf ideas.

15. My child who was doing so well sleeping all night in his own bed has been getting up and coming in our room again. Ugh. The day school started he started sleeping all night and not coming to get me, and now?... It was good the almost three months that it lasted. What gives?...

16. Apparently Sammy likes noble fir flavored water. I've caught her under the tree, drinking the water. Silly girl.

That's all for now. Too many deep thoughts roaming my mind these days.
Happy Wednesday, friends!

september 365+1

summer skies

Alas, summer is over and fall is here. My favorite season, btw. Back in late spring or early summer (I don't remember when exactly) a friend invited people to join her in capturing the summer skies and then posting our photos for all of you lovelies out there. I decided this was a project I could get onboard with since I have my iPhone with me everywhere I go, and  I had done a similar collage back in December when we had some gorgeous, dry, sunny (cold!) days.

I may keep this up thru fall and winter...we'll see... 

a

linked 52: kitchen

My kitchen...I spend a lot of time there. More time than I'd like. I don't enjoy cooking, really. I used though - before I had Max when I had more time. I don't bake unless it comes out of a box. Well, I do make chocolate chip cookies. I can manage that. My repertoire of recipes is small. Very small. I make the same things over and over. And I'm SO tired of making the same things over and over. But I'm too lazy to look for new recipes and meal plan. Especially when I know that Max won't eat it (he eats a limited menu), and Eric will eat anything so it really doesn't matter if I make a fancy meal just for the two of us.

Anyway, I decided that while I was on my macro iPhone photography kick, I'd take a few shots of some gadgets in my kitchen.

And that, my friends, is all you will see of my kitchen for now! :)

Happy Friday!

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

Tracey, Stacey, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Kristin, Tracy, Janet, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Kristin, Heather, Liza, Kristi, Hanne   

august 365+1

linked 52: sunset (aka God's show)

God showing his Glory on a frazzled feeling day filled with a trip to the neurologist and back to school night for Max (who knew going to elementary school was so complicated now? - for the parents.) I stepped outside with my iPhone to see if the sunset was going to be good. I had done so the past few days in hopes of capturing a photo for the theme this week. What a wonderful surprise to see such beautiful clouds and vibrant colors. (And believe me when I say that these photos don't do it justice)

I wondered where everyone else was... How was it I was the only one out here in the culdesac admiring this stunning view? Max came out at one point, but that was only to show me the safety goggles his dad had given him (um, yeah, cool buddy...but look at that amazing sunset!) He quickly went back inside.

For some odd reason I am continued to be perplexed by the fact that I was the only one out there.

Surely God didn't mean this sunset just for little old me...

Surely he meant it for all of us...

My conclusion was an unfortunate one - that even God must compete for our attention these days; for our time away from our phones and iPads and computers and TV and books and dishes waiting to be cleaned and clothes waiting to be folded. For our attention from all of our worldly distractions, and our laundry list of things that just have to be done, and our busyness, and our thoughts.

Truth be told it made me a bit sad.

For even I came inside to a husband and son happily absorbed in some other activity, oblivious to the stunning, you'll-never-see-another-sunset-exactly-like-this-one-again, going on outside.

So my hope for your this holiday weekend - put down your "stuff", turn off the TV, gather everyone in your family and go outside. Catch God's stunning show. Ooo and ahhh over the colors and light and drink it all in. Your "stuff" and your stuff to do will all be there when you come back inside (yes, unfortunately the dishes hadn't miraculously been washed or the clothes folded when I came back inside...)

Then come back and tell me how standing small beneath a beautiful sunset sky made your God seem just so big, and how it made you feel like that show was just for you.

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

Michelle, Tracey, Stacey, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Amanda, Kristin, Sara, Tracy, Lesli, Janet, Naomi, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Kristin, Heather, Amy, Liza, Veronica, Kristi, Georgia 

linked: shadows

There are two of me, one does the right thing - one cannot see.

Standing back to back

Who is the strong one in the last act?

Every path I take, roads I go down

choices I make.

Take me right between patches of light

and darkness in me.

Oh we have to keep a watch on our shadows

Every move they secretly make

We try to be so close to Heaven

but then our shadows -

they run away.

They pull us away. 

Shadows - Amy Grant

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

Michelle, Tracey, Stacey, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Amanda, Kristin, Sara, Tracy, Lesli, Janet, Naomi, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Kristin, Heather, Amy, Liza, Veronica, Kristi, Georgia 

july 365+1

I think July is my favorite collage so far. The color, some of the great shots I got, all of the photos of Max. I will be back in September for my August 365 post. Until then, I might not be around in this space much or in your spaces either. I'll be back at some point though. I just really need to take some time to re-evalutate things.
Enjoy the rest of your summer, friends.

PS - If you miss me here, you can find me here and here.

slice of life: camas days.

We went to our small town's little celebration on Friday, Camas Days. Good food, a few fun things for kids to do, a parade, lots of vendors, beer gardens and wine tasting. It was a fun time in our small, quaint little Camas.

june 365+1

linked 52: up

Friends, I got nothing today. We've had blue or mostly blue skies all week with more on the way - with temps maybe getting up to 90 on Sunday and Monday. I've just been looking up at those blue skies, trying to enjoy it while we've got it. And after the week I've had alone with my son and dog while Eric is in Seattle (let's just say parts of it haven't been pretty), I need to just take my time to look up to Him.

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Michelle, Tracey, Stacey, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Amanda, Kristin, Sara, Tracy, Lesli, Janet, Naomi, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Kristin, Heather, Amy, Liza, Veronica, Kristi.

happiness is...

waiting for dad's plane to land.

april 365+1

I was feeling lazy last tonight and didn't even want to try to create a collage in Picasa (maybe for May.) So you get the photo from my Project 365 Pro app off my phone. And hey, this way you get to see the photos in order without me going nutty trying to put them in order myself. I think the size is a lot better - you can actually see the individual photos! I kind of fell off the 365+1 bandwagon a bit this month. Some days I just wasn't feeling it.

{The 17th and 19th are my favorites. :) }

march 365+1.

I can't believe March is over. Seriously, where is this year going? It will be September in just six months (I've got good math skills...;) ) and I will be sending my little boy off to kindergarten. Sniffle sniffle...

March gave us some crazy weather, including some snow, cold temps and our wettest March to date (well, in Portland - where they keep track of those things.) Something like 7.76 inches had fallen by 3pm today. That's many inches too much for my liking. But March gave us a nice last day. It is was sunny for a good portion of the day. I can still see some blue sky in one direction out our living room windows and grey in the other direction. 

I finally forgot a day of my 366 project, thus only 30 photos. Well, I really didn't forget but it was a long day and I just didn't want to take a picture just to take a picture. I do try to put a little thought behind my photo each day....just a tiny bit. Here's too a sunny, warm April!! (Gotta think positive here!)

doggie disneyland.

Sunday we went to the dog park aka Doggie Disneyland. Eric and Max actually took Sammy on Saturday, but I chose to stay home and have some alone time. But Sunday we all piled in the car, made a Starbucks run (it was Sunday, so I was okay to have my latte) and headed to Doggie Disneyland. Sammy had a blast. She ran and played and got stinky. All blissful events in a dog's world, especially the stinky part. And Max followed her all around, so it was really a great two-for-one deal for us - wear out the dog and the boy. ;) The dog park is situated right in the path of some large power lines. You know, the giant structures that look like big men that hold those big power lines. One after another the men are lined-up for as far as the eye can see. While there was cute doggie-ness all around me, I chose to look up this day and shoot these lines instead.

(The collage is not what I wanted it to be...I am not a fan of Picasa. But with Picnik going bye-bye in April, I have to find something new for collages. If anyone can give me some pointers on Picasa I'd appreciate it! No idea how to move the photo around within the collage or size it down...or do anything really. And if anyone knows how I get rid of that faint border around my photos in blogger - I will be forever grateful. No clue how to get rid of it and it kinda drives me crazy. Maybe it's my blogger template?)