a beautiful mess.

{Some pretty photos to go along with the long post I knew was coming, but just didn't know it was coming today.}

Today I was in Target looking for supplies for Max's birthday party. I looked up and saw another mom from preschool standing beside me doing the very same thing for her Max who is in the AM preschool class. We've chatted before and we were in Kindermusik with our Maxs a few years ago. Anyway, we were discussing our parties and party supplies, when she motioned to my stomach area and asked, "Are you pregnant?" Every non-pregnant woman's greatest fear. I laughed and said no, and told her we had been trying for about three years now, and that we did the whole IUI/IVF thing, and spent thousands...yada yada yada. We chatted awhile, she apologized again and again, I apologized for telling her our lengthy trying-to-get-prego journey, and then we went back to chatting about our parties. And then I spent the next few minutes getting the rest of the things I needed to get, desperately trying to keep it together as I wandered the aisles. And then I got to my car, started my drive home, and started crying.

I wasn't neccessarilty crying because she asked if I was pregnant when I wasn't. (Though I will remember not to wear any clingy tops anymore. And I guess I need to step-up my working-out) I was crying because I had come face to face, once again, with the fact that I'm not pregnant. After all the money and time and emotion - I didn't get pregnant. It took me a good month or so after we found out I wasn't pregnant to get back to having normal days where I didn't cry everyday. I had it all under control. I had buried it deep down in the depths of my being, shut and locked that door and threw away the key. Or so I thought. I don't want to go into some lengthy re-hashing of what I went through and what I'm feeling and how I'm coping. I don't want to be Debbie Downer. And I know I sound like a broken record. But I will be honest.

 It hurts a little everytime I hear someone is pregnant, or see someone who is pregnant.

It hurts a little when I walk by the baby section at Target and realize I will never get to shop in that department again (at least not for myself.) And I'm sure lots of other moms with older kids feel sentimental when they pass the baby section at the store, but it's not the same as passing it with a heart that feels robbed of a dream.

It hurts a bit as I go through Max's old clothes to give them to Goodwill. The clothes I had saved in case we had another boy. The clothes I won't be needing now.

It hurts a little every time I see families with more than one child, which is pretty much everyone I know. (I think I know two friends that only have one child.) It feels a bit like not being part of the "club"; that I don't get to be part of something special that these other families are part of. They get to see their kids playing and fighting together. They get to take photos of their kids together. (I can barely get my one to let me take his photo.)

I know I sound petty. I realize it's only been about four months since we got the bad news, but I really just want the hurt to go away now. Not in another six months or another year or five years, but now. And I want it to go away for good. I don't ever want to feel all of this sadness and anger and disappointment again. I'm tired of it. It's exhausting. Between that and losing our dog last August, I'm just sad and spent. I think it's drained it all out of me. I don't care about blogging or taking photos or running or setting any goals. I really just want to zone out for a long time until I can re-enter my life without the hurt there following me around. I know that'll never happen. All that I experienced last year is part of my story. It's a sad chapter in the book that is my life. It has molded me into the person I am today. I'm not the same girl I was before we started this journey. How could I be? Anyone who has successfully or unsuccessfully taken that journey through IVF knows that it changes a core part of your being. It pushes you to the emotional edge. It deepens your longing. It ignites fear and anger. It tests your patience. It creates a great sense of wonder and amazement in the creation of a life. It is life-changing. 

My head tells me I will get through this slump. I always get through the slumps. But my heart tells me it's going to take a lot longer than I thought it would to heal. And even then there will be a little scar. A reminder of the heart-wrenching little chapter in my life. But for now I just want the hurt to go away. Just for one day I'd like to not think about it at all.

That's me being honest. That's me being me. A beautiful mess.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

-Amy Grant

sunsets.

Sometimes there are no words to describe a sunset.

shed a little light.

It may be a day off from school and work, but don't forget who this day is really about.

*****

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

52 linked: cold

Cold. I don't mind the cold. We get some nice, cold, sunny weather in the winter. And the twice a decade snow storm. I like my room cold when I sleep. And I love that we have air conditioning now that we've moved to Camas (no one has AC in Seattle. Seattlites just suffer through the twice a decade hot summers they get.) I can handle cold temperatures much better than hot. Perhaps that's because you can layer on the clothes as thick as you want. When it's hot there is only so much you can take off, and then you just have to endure the heat.

But cold is the nemesis of my teeth. And nothing makes me cringe more than seeing people bite into and chew a popsicle. Or chew ice. It sends shivers up my spine. My dental hygienist knows - only use warm water in my mouth unless you want to have to peel me off the ceiling. And I will never, ever forget the time when the dentist used a small stick of ice to find the sensitive spots on my teeth. That may be the easiest way to narrow down those areas, but also the most torturous way. Worst. Pain. Ever. It took everything in my power not to slap his hand away from my face.

So, while this peek into my freezer may look "cool" (pun intended), the ice cream and popsicles give me chills (pun intended, again.) But that bottle of whipped cream vodka...delicious in root beer or orange soda.

*****

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Want to join us? Leave a comment and let me know, and I'll send you more information.

Michelle

Stacey

Tracey

Heather

Jenn

Kristin

Jessica

Amanda M

Lesli

Amanda

  Sara 

Janet

the disco ball.

I know I'm terribly late on posting a few photos from our Christmas. I wasn't really planning on sharing any photos, but when I finally downloaded photos a few nights ago I found these. And I just had to share. Just imagine him in something other than his favorite PJs, and the disco ball hanging from the ceiling.

Remember that face and name, folks. Someday he will be famous. :)

A little silly?...

52 linked: newness.

Newness

I saw these at Trader Joes earlier this week. Happy, little, new daffodils. Soon nature will be full of newness - green buds on trees, flowers just peeking out through the soil. It reminded me a bit of the new year, and all that comes with that "clean slate" - new adventures, new opportunities, new memories to be made. Newness all around just waiting to open-up in the warmth of the sun.

* * *

My friend, Michelle, had a great idea to link-up for a 52 week project this year. I am taking the plunge and will do my best to participate every week, though I've occaisionally been know to procrastinate to the very last minute. A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure. Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Michelle

Stacey

Tracey

Heather

Jenn

Kristin

If you would like to join us on this little weekly adventure just let me know in the comments, below. Our theme for next week is "Cold."

one word.

I had this huge, long post all written about my One Word for 2012. I spent a fair amount of time pondering my word and thinking about what I wanted it to look like in my life this year. I was certain this was my word. I chose it, so it just had to be my word. But all the while I was typing and pondering, another word kept edging its way into my mind. It was calling my name: 

be present

I thought my word for this year was Believe. But no. Be Present kept calling my name. It's been written on my heart for months now. Being present is tough one for me. I know it shouldn't be - I have one young child who will be 18 and off to college before I know it - but it is. There, I said it. (Isn't admitting you have a problem the first step?...) Everyday I have choices. And so this year these are my choices:

Be Present with Max. Spend active time with my son. He won't be at home forever. I need to make memories for the both of us now.

Be Present with my friends and family. This means putting aside the distractions. Who's more important? The person I'm playing Words with Friends with? Or checking FB or Flickr? OR the person I'm having a nice cup of coffee with? The person sitting across from me.

Be Present in the health of my body. Stop putting off trying to lose weight and get in shape, and just start doing it. Lace-up my shoes and walk or run. Go to another pilates class. Try yoga. Do something.

Be Present in my photography. I spend more time feeling frustrated and wishing I could take pictures like all the other photographer friends I know, and so I give-up. I must pick-up my camera if I'm ever going to get those pretty pictures. I just need to keep snapping.

Be present in my life. This is a hard one for me to explain... I hide behind a lot of things - TV, books, my computer, my phone. I hide behind these as a way of not having to face my life. I've always had a picture of what my life was supposed to look like, and when the picture doesn't mesh with reality (and it never does, right?) I tend to escape or push it to the nether-regions of my mind. If I ignore it, it will go away, right? (I know the answer to that one...) I also spend far too much time ruminating the past and worrying about the future. I've always been like this. So, I need to be an active participant in creating my journey. This journey that was artful crafted by Him.