i wonder...

As I was walking into Starbucks yesterday, lugging my Dell laptop, I saw a woman using an umbrella in the sprinkles of rain. And I thought, "Why do people use umbrellas when it's only sprinkling?" (Though I know the answer to that question is that it usually means they aren't from around here. Real Northwest natives don't use umbrellas.) But that got me to thinking that there's a lot I'm wondering about these days.

I wonder...
will I really spend the rest of my life having to change seizure medications when the one I'm currently taking ceases to be effective? After a mere (almost) four years, I've recently had to change medications. Won't I eventually run out of medications to try, and then be left with having to be on two medications? (This is really what originally got me wondering.)
why do drivers think that tailing someone really closely will make that person go faster?
why do dogs walk in a circle before laying down?
why are little, five year old boys so noisy?
why does the stay-at-home mom crowd feel a bit like being in junior high or high school again?
and in that line of thinking, why is there so much drama in female friendships?
why is Max stammering (I dislike the word stuttering) so much? And what can I do to fix it?
why do I worry so much about what others might think of me?
why won't Max stay in his own bed all night? Really.
why do I stay up so late when I'm exhausted?
and why do I feel like I need a nap the minute I wake up?
if I will ever get to see Maroon 5 in concert? (I kind of have a crush on Adam Levine.)
why am I so afraid to carry my camera around in public?
why is Nurse Jackie so funny when she's really kind of not-so-nice? (Though I'd love to have her as a nurse.)
why do kids always get sick to their stomach in the middle of the night?
why do I worry so much about Max being bullied when he goes to public school?
why, at almost 39, am I suddenly so afraid of the aging process?
why I'm suddenly so worried about my parents aging?
why don't men like to simply talk about things for the sake of just talking and connecting with other people?
why do I hate the idea of exercising, but once I actually do it I feel so good?
why can't we all forgive each other more easily?
why can't we all just put away our electronic devices when we are out for dinner or drinks or coffee? Aren't we specifically out with that other person for the sake of connecting with them, and not the people out there in electronic device land?
why does personal growth require so much risk and vulnerability and trust?
why didn't I listen to my inner voice in college and pursue medical school? why did I think I couldn't do it?
why is it so hard to find a good fitting pair of jeans?
what ever will I do with my time when Max is in school all day?
how difficult will it be to find a job when I decide to go back to work? And what ever will I do?
if I should go back to school once Max is in school all day?
why do I always find my favorite (of the moment) lipstick color after I go buy a replacement?
why is it so hard to get back to pre-pregnancy weight (six years later)?
why is it that I start yawning the minute I lay in Max's bed to read him bedtime stories?
how is it I can be reading books to Max and thinking about other things at the same time?
why do I feel like I'm bothering people if I email them or text them? (With the exception of a few close friends and family.)
will meal planning ever get any easier? I never know what to make for dinner.
why is this cheese so stinkin' good?
why I feel like I don't have anything interesting to blog about the past few months?
if I'll ever finish the dozen or so blog drafts I have waiting to be finished?
if I'll ever figure out the one thing I've been trying to figure out in my photography?
where we will move to next. It's inevitable in the construction business. Seattle? I hope so. But I could also go for sunny California.
will I ever stop worrying so much?
will I ever find any answers to all of these questions?
And of course this post wouldn't be complete without asking, I wonder why the sky blue?

I wonder if I got YOU to wondering about some things in your life.
That's all for today. As you can see, I've got a lot on my mind.

(Sorry for the lengthy list. Which gets me thinking, why do I feel like I have to apologize all of the time?...)

52 linked: romance

She had me at "woof."

Okay, well not really. I didn't actually hear one single bark out of her when I saw her last Saturday. It's more like she had me when I looked into those big brown eyes. One ear at attention, one flopped. Just like Maggie, I might add. I'm fairly certain this is the begin of what will be a fine romance with Sammy.

(I mean really, isn't she just too cute? I know you all will be blog stalking because you want to see more of her cute little face.) 

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Michelle, Tracey, Stacey, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Amanda, Kristin, Sara, Tracy, Lesli, Janet, Naomi, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Kristin, Heather, Amy, Liza, and Veronica.

some things.

So happy I caught this gorgeous sunset earlier this month. Blue sky. Pink clouds. These photos don't do it justice.
There are just some things that can't be captured with a camera.

sometimes.

Sometimes everything around you speaks loudly, and what seems like - just to you.
I was asked by a local photographer to participate in a project she is working on. You can read about it here and here. Did I hesitate when she asked for help? Oh yes I did. Did I want to take that picture? No way. But I knew I had to. I listened to that gut feeling that told me I had to do this. I knew it was part of the process of being honest with myself. Of facing up to my insecurities. It was one of many steps I will take in becoming content in this skin. Lara is one amazing, talented woman. I had the privilege of taking a two day photography class from here last summer. It was amazing.
And then the other day while I was reading through my blogs, I found this article and this article, which were perfect for what I've been feeling lately. And this friend posted a little bit about making an attempt at something. Which got me thinking that I need to step out of my comfort zone with my photography and just try - something new and something different. I will never find my style if I don't step out of the comfortable little box I'm in and just try. And then last night the Brave Girls sent me this little email.
I don't profess to be good with words and articulating what I want to say. So today I'm going to let these articles do the talking. They say perfectly what has been on my mind and in my heart these days. I'll be back with some photos tomorrow.

52 linked: body parts

Let me first say that I don't like feet. Not at all. They get stinky and get callouses and some are hairy. They just kind of gross me out. They should be kept in socks or shoes at all times, unless you are in the pool, in the shower or on the beach. But Max's feet? I could eat them up. When he was a baby I never put socks on him. Not unless it we were going outside and it was super cold. I loved to see those little chubby, sausage toes peeking out from under a blanket. And five years later I still love his little feet and those ten little toes. They are just too cute. Even when they are stinky, they are still cute. I wonder if I will always think they are cute? Even when they are stinky teenager feet. (And I have to chuckle because Jessica did a similar post a couple of weeks ago.)

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Michelle, Tracey, Stacey, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Amanda, Kristin, Sara, Tracy, Lesli, Janet, Naomi, Rhonda, Rose, Carla, Heidi, Kristin, Heather, Amy, Liza, and Veronica.

sparkle.

I hope your Valentine's Day was full of a little sparkle.

xo

Andrea, Eric and Max

52 linked: quiet.

This was a tough theme this week. Quiet. How do you capture quiet in a photo? Once everyone is in bed, my quiet time begins. It's usually not even that quiet since I have the TV on some nights (for company. Weird, I know.) But it's a few hours that are all mine to do what I please. Read, watch TV, catch-up on blogs and email, get lost in Pinterest...you name it. It's not always time spent on the couch. I sometimes do the dishes or iron (I know my husband is laughing because I really don't iron until he's pretty much out of shirts to wear) or tidy-up the family room a bit. But in the end it doesn't really matter what I'm doing, as long as I get some quiet time in at the end of my day.

Lately I've been heading upstairs to the guest bedroom to read. Something about being up there, in bed, in a quiet house, with a good book is just cozy to me. I can pretend that's it's my own little space even though there are piles of books and other items to give away and a few old toys that Max never plays with. It's the only bedroom in the house with a view of the street. I like to look out at the quiet little street below, knowing there are probably plenty of other moms out there enjoying their quiet time, as well. I enjoy this quiet, little space.

And I can't help but add this photo I took of Max yesterday. He can be pretty loud at times, but when he's got his favorite blanket, the thumb goes in his mouth and he suddenly becomes pretty quiet

*****

52 Linked 2012 A new theme every week.

A few other friends are joining-in on the adventure.

Please stop by and see their interpretations of our word of the week.

Michelle, Stacey, Tracey, Heather, Naomi, Amanda, Jenn, Jessica, Amanda, Rhonda, Lena, Rose, Janet, Tracy, Sara, Lesli, Kristin, Veronica, Heather, Heidi, Liza,   

i don't want it anymore.

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore.

Sara Bareilles

Last night, after a not-so-great, not myself, past four days - I almost pressed the delete button on this space, and on FaceBook. The arrow hovered over the icon. My heart heavy with feelings difficult for me to articulate, except to say that I go through periods where I just want to walk away from it all and start-over. Let me explain (if I can...)

I'm a bit hyper-sensitive. Always have been. Probably always will be. Fifty percent of the time I love that about myself. I love that I can feel so filled-up with love and happiness that it spills over into tears. The other fifty percent of the time I hate that about myself. It causes me much undue distress and worry and fear. I can feel so deep in a well of hurt that it seems I will never get out. When all I want to do is dig myself out, and run as fast as I can away from that deep well. But not knowing what to do to dig myself out, I just sit in it. Full of self-doubt, full of feeling incapable, full of feeling unworthy of anything I have, full of feeling "what's the point?" I tend to keep to myself. I hold just about anyone I meet at a far distance, for fear if I let them in they won't like me or they will hurt me. I get my feelings hurt far too easily because I take everything very personally. Very. So when I'm down in that deep hole, I don't trust anyone else to help me out. They might throw me a rope, but it'll probably be frayed or not long enough. No, only I can dig myself out.

When I get like this; when my thoughts are consumed with this in-explainable questioning (for lack of a better word) I just want to escape to a place where I won't feel this way. I want to leave the places that leave me questioning myself. I want to walk away from everyone I know. I want someone to take the crazy, self-doubting feelings away. And that's usually when I tend towards doing something drastic to make a clean break from feeling so bad - delete FaceBook, delete my blog, chop my hair (as I did today.) Maybe the physical act of a big change will bring about the big change I so desperately need in my heart and mind. If I can distance myself as far away as possible from everyone else, I can help to keep these feelings at bay.

And then a few days pass, after many tears, many sleep-less nights lying awake just worrying and wondering what to do, and suddenly I find myself looking down in that deep well wondering how I even got down there, and why it took me so darn long to climb out. I've climbed out too many times to count. I should have it down pat. I should be able to just pull-myself out within a matter of hours. But oddly enough, the older I get, the longer it seems to take.

Friday I was in that deep, dark well. Today I am almost out. I know in a few more days I will be just fine and I will shake my head in shame, thinking, "Who is that girl? And doesn't she realize she has it all?"

(Sorry I don't have any photos for this post. No pretty picture could make this post not-so-gloomy. And don't worry, I doubt I will ever delete this space. I may walk away from time to time, but it will always be here. And speaking of drastic things, I almost deleted this entire post after I wrote it. Instead I just said a little prayer and hit publish.)

embracing the rain.

We do rain really well here in Washington. In fact, so well I think Washington's motto should be "We do rain really well." And our nickname should be "The Rainy State." (Here a little info on our real motto and nickname, in case you were curious.)

A lot of us Washingtonians complain and complain about the rain at some point during our rainy season (fall/winter/spring and some summers.) And every time I complain (which is often) I remind myself that all of this lovely rain keeps our grass a nice lush green all year long. You'd think after living here for 38 years I'd be used to the rain. I'm not. I get tired of it just like everybody else. Well, truth be told it's not the rain so much as the dark, cloudy skies that kind of do me in. It didn't bother me as much when I worked. I didn't see the rain and grey skies much because I was stuck in a cubicle, far from windows most of the time. It really started to bother me once I became a stay-at-home-mom. We've got a lot of big windows in our house. And it's amazing how when the clouds roll in and the rain starts the house get pretty darn gloomy. And artificial light just isn't the same. All that said, by the time September rolls around I'm ready for rain. I crave it. Dark clouds, a down-pour, some strong winds - oh, and a little thunder and lightening, which doesn't happen often around here - and I'm in love. Seriously. Whether you love it or hate it, the rain is here to stay, Washingtonians. So we might as well embrace what we do really, really well.

* * * * *

My friend, Tracey, had a rain post last week. Go check it out. She lives in sunny California.