three years.

Sunday I celebrated three years seizure-free.
There was no big celebration, but I quietly cheered to myself. It's not a huge deal to those around me, but it's a huge deal to me. Not a day goes by that I don't worry about having another seizure.
In 1994 I had my first seizure. I was home from college for the weekend and my mom found me face-down in my pillow, unconscious. No one saw me having the seizure, but all the signs were there - I had bit my tongue something awful, all of the muscles in my body ached, I felt sick to my stomach, had an awful headache and was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. Of course I had all the testing done at the ER and later with a neurologist. I opted not to take medication and agreed to not drive for six months. I was seizure-free for the next 14 years. May 29th of 2008 I had a seizure while we were at a friend's house for dinner. We weren't there more than ten minutes when next thing I know I'm on the floor and my husband is telling me I had a seizure and the paramedics are on their way. Great. Way to ruin the dinner plans. I was taken to the nearest hospital where I was monitored for awhile. And it was there, late that night, right as they were getting ready to discharge me that I had another seizure in the bathroom. Alone. And this one resulted in a fractured shoulder blade. Yes, yikes is right!
And that was the night I started taking medication.
I started on a fairly common medication, Dilantin, that made me feel tipsy all the time and after two days made my feet itch like nothing has ever itched before. So I was switched to Gabapentin. That's a picture of my lovely Gaba, above. I was on a fairly high dose to begin with, but finally got my dose lowered last August.
I take it three times a day. Morning. Noon. Night.
Three times a day I'm reminded of what I've been through and what could happen.
About the only time I actively think about having a seizure is when I'm driving or taking a bath. Sounds silly, I know. But try sitting in the tub relaxing when all the sudden you realize you could have a seizure and drown. That's exactly what thought popped into my head Sunday when I was chilling in our jetted tub. Just like that I went from relaxed to thinking, "I should get out of the tub." Of course I don't know I've had a seizure until after it has happened. That's the scary part. And in an odd way, that's a good thing. I literally don't know what's happened till it's already happened. It's the poor people around me who have to panic and wonder what's going on and what to do.
I'm lucky though - I've only had three seizures in 14 years. My Gaba is doing it's job.
Morning.
Noon.
And night.

tgif!

That's my amazing dad and my sweet boy. They were being silly outside. Max calls him Gda and my mom is Gma. My parents came to town Monday to see Max's end-of-year preschool performance. It was cute, but sadly I did not get any really good photos. None of them are very sharp.
Anyway, back to my dad. He's an amazing photographer! He mostly does outdoor, nature photography. His other specialty is taking pictures of Max. He's got thousands, folks. Not kidding. (Max is the only grandchild between both the Meisgeiers and the Roths. This kind of makes me sad.) Needless to say, my dad has a few nice Nikons. He has the 100, 300 and recently purchased the 700. And I took a few shots with his 700 and I am completely, utterly in love... While it may be years before I can get my hands on a 700, I talked my dad into loaning me his 100. So, I now have my 70 and the 100 at my fingertips. My dad claims my 70 is a much better camera than the 100, but he said I should give the 100 a try anyway. Honestly, I can't really tell the difference between the quality of photos produced by either camera. I'm think it's more about the lens and my skills. Hmmm...
Speaking of lenses, I'm think I'd like to save my money for the Nikon 50mm 1.4. We'll see. Enough of my camera and lens envy talk...


I signed Max up for swim lessons today. Hope it goes well. I remember how clingy and scared I was as a child. And after all those lessons, I still can't swim. He will go for a half hour every Tuesday and Thursday through June 23rd. I took this photo at Sun River. The house had a lap pool and a hot tub. I love this photo. I caught Max contemplating the water. I could feel his wonder and his hesitancy. (Or maybe I was projecting?) I like this photo in black and white as well.

I bought Elements last week. I still haven't loaded it on any computers. I use my laptop the most (I know, I know...shame on me for doing editing on a laptop) but I suppose I should load Elements on the desktop. Decisions. In my dreamworld I have a lovely Apple desktop of some kind. :)
Have I rambled enough yet?
My patience has been worn a little thin this week. I think it's simply because I know there will be no preschool next week, or the next week, or the next... Max is enrolled in VBS and a summer camp, and we have vacation to look forward to, and there will be playdates and fun outside (if nice weather ever arrives) but it still creates a little anxiety in me.

Well, thankfully it's Friday! The sun was shining this morning. And it keeps peeking out between showers. A long weekend ahead. The summer kick-off weekend. That's something to smile about.

Happy Friday, friends!
I hope you all have a lovely weekend!
A

(And in case your were wondering about the first photo - no, Max isn't picking Gda's nose! He's messing with Gda's mustache. LOL) 
And if you've read this far I have a couple of questions for you:
What kind of camera do you use? Do you love it? Why?
And what's your favorite lens that you use? And why?
Thanks, friends!

11:52

In the distance I see...

My future.
In my distance I see: going back to school, watching Max grow and discover more and more of the world around him, watching my husband work hard and develop his talents, watching my parents grow older (which makes me sad).
My distance holds sunrises, sunsets, rain, wind, maybe a little snow, and a few hot breezy summer days.
My distance holds love, kindness, kisses and hugs, glances that speak without words.
In my distance I will learn to embrace who I am - faults and all. I will learn a little bit more everyday that I am worthy; that I am enough.
Looking back, I can see the road I've traveled to get here, and all of the lessons learned along the way. That road and those lessons have shaped me. They have made me who I am today.


Picture Inspiration week 11 - In the distance.
What's "in the distance" for you?

fluttering leaves.

While in Bend, we spent some time with friends renting a house right on the river. We were there in the evening, just as the sun was getting low in the sky. The Golden Hours were beginning. There were a few trees that looked like aspens (not sure if there really were or not), and I just love aspen!

I just started shooting pictures. I wanted to try to get some nice flare, some golden-green color in the fluttering leaves, maybe a tad bit of the blue sky in the background. I'm not sure I accomplished any of those things.

This is just a handful of the photos I took. There were so many I liked for my own reasons. I'm not sure anyone else would really think they were all that great, technically.

But I like them all. And that's all that really matters. And more importantly, I loved the moment. White tree trunks, green leaves fluttering in the soft breeze, golden sunlight streaming through the canopy of leaves. If I close my eyes I am there again. Camera in hand. Taking pictures.

12:52

Once again, I am a little behind on my Picture Inspiration photos. I'm only 13 weeks into it and already wondering, why did I sign-up for this again?... Anyway, the theme for week 12 was Mystery. (Yes, I know, I skipped week 11. I'm still working on that week's theme.)

I took this photo of the pool while we were in Sun River over the weekend. You're probably wondering, "What's the big mystery?" Well, I find pools and swimming a bit mysterious. I don't know how to swim and I'm pretty terrified of the water. I'm ok if I'm in control and there is no horsing-around. But don't even think about jokingly pushing me in the pool or pulling me under. To see people jump-in and swim and splash and have fun in the water is just so mysterious to me. How did they learn to hold their breath and not inhale water? How did they learn to open their eyes underwater? How did they learn to be comfortable in water? My life began in water. So why do I have such a huge fear of the water?
It's a mystery to me.
(It should be noted that our assignment for this week was to focus on the mystery of nature and spring unfolding all around us. Yep, totally missed the mark on this assignment. But I still like the mystery I captured.)

tgif!

No pictures today. (I took a bunch on our drive, but haven't downloaded them.)
We are in Sunriver, near Bend, Oregon, for hubby's Pole, Pedal, Paddle race tomorrow.
A little randomness:
1. We are staying in a big, wonderfully furnished house with a lap pool (though I don't swim) and hot tub.
Poor Maggie walked right out onto the covered pool and fell in. Luckily her lab, webbed paws kicked-in and she started swimming. It was kind of hilarious though. Max's room has a bunk bed and while he really wanted to sleep on top we eventually convinced him to sleep below so he wouldn't fall out of bed. (I don't need to take anyone to the ER this trip. Heck, I don't even know where it is.)
2. The king sized bed is wonderful! I love my husband, but I am not sure I will ever get used to sleeping in a bed with someone. (Sorry, dear. It's not you. It's me.)
3. Guess where I ended up sleeping part of the night?...(You're smart readers. I'm sure you can guess.)
4. I really, really want a latte. But I can't. Went to urgent care Wednesday night after three days of upper stomach pain. Not a stomachache, but just pain. Pain to the touch. Worse pain after eating. They said it was gastritis or dyspepsia. While there they gave me this great cocktail of a Mylanta-like liquid with a little lidocaine thrown in for the pain. It worked great but only last about an hour. So I'm on a couple of prescription meds now. One I take in the morning and the other I take three times a day before meals and at night. Yay.
5. I really want a latte. (Oh wait, I already told you that.)
6. And what fun is vacation when you are supposed to stick to the bland foods. Blah.
7. I'd really like a beer too. (Not right now. It's only 10am. Later.)
8. This post would be much more fun if it had a photo or two and I was drinking my latte.
Happy Friday, friends!
A.

walk away slow.

More wishes than a thousand hearts can count for you

More smiles than a merry-go-round

The sweetest ending to a bed time story told

My love follows you where you go

More laughter than a kindergarten out to play

One Sunday morning song that says it all

More Summer than the California beach can hold

My love follows you where you go

Future like a promise, you're city of gold

Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul

Seeing you stand there staring at the unknown

I won't pretend that it's not killing me watching you walk away slow

Take forgiveness take a prayer or take the deepest breath

And take the answers in your heart

When you wake up and the world is cruel and cold

My love follows you where you go

More freedom than a field of flowers in a wind

More beauty than a morning after rain

Up the steepest hill, the dark and crooked road

My love follows you where you go

Future like a promise, you're city of gold

Stubborn in your bones and Jesus in your soul

Seeing you stand there staring at the unknown

I won't pretend that it's not killing me watching you walk away slow

My Love Follows You Where You Go - Alison Krauss

He's walking away slow a little bit everyday. Makes me happy he is finding his independence. And a little sad that he won't need me quite so much anymore. But my love follows him everywhere he goes. That will never change. He will always be in my heart. I love you little man.
(Click on the link above to hear the song. Amazing.)

10:52

Week 10 at Picture Inspiration was "dishing it out." This favorite mug of mine faithfully dishes out my Starbucks VIA (decaf - I gave up caffeine for Lent and decided I didn't miss the post-coffee jitters) just about every morning.



Starbucks is big everywhere, but it is B.I.G. here in the Pacific Northwest. I mean, it was born and raised in the Emerald City (ahem...Seattle, for those of you who don't know...)

i heart faces: may flowers

The theme at I Heart Faces this week is May flowers. Go take a look at all the pretty images.

maggie monday (a day late).

Time for a Maggie Monday post full of randomness...(are you sitting down? this may be long...)

1. Friday night hubby and I watched a movie. He kinda let me pick, and I've since lost my movie choosing privileges for, well, awhile I'm guessing. What did I choose, you ask? Love and Other Drugs. I like Anne Hathaway and I love Jake Gyllenhall. But the movie was just a bore. I can honestly say I'd have rather have watched Never Say Never - The Justin Bieber movie. Yes, I'm almost 38 and I said that out-loud. Even said it to my husband and he laughed at me.

2. You know how I've mentioned Max comes into our room in the middle of the night and wants me to sleep with him in his room? It's still happening. Nine times out of ten I just go with it - I want sleep. But Friday night I was annoyed and chose my battle. I made a lot of empty threats to take things away if he didn't stay in bed. I used my angry whisper voice a lot  few times. I sat in the hallway outside his room for an hour (thinking about all sorts of things - that's another post.) I told him to go back to his room, get in bed and stay there a grand total of 834 times - give or take a time or two. We were both awake from midnight to a little after 2am, which meant he was tired the next day. Which meant that we both napped for two hours in the late afternoon. (Ironically, I took my nap with him in his bed...sigh...) Which in turn meant that I spent two hours trying to get him to go to bed and stay in bed later that night (much later.) Last night he came in at midnight, about 40 minutes after I went to bed. Ugh. I could bore you with the details of last night's battle, but I won't. The good news - it didn't last as long as Saturday night. We'll just leave it at that.

3. I didn't finish this post last night as planned. Instead I sat on the couch and watched Nurse Jackie and United States of Tara. I guess that makes this a Maggie Tuesday post.

4. I helped with the preschool Fun Day today. Oh. My. Goodness. Thank the good Lord above for teachers willing to deal with that many 3-5 year olds every day. You couldn't pay me enough to do that. Seriously. Totally exhausted.

5. My son needs a sibling. I'm tired of entertaining him every day, all day. Is that bad of me to say?...Do other moms with just one child feel this way? (Of course I don't know any other moms with just one child. Sigh. That's a whole other post that I won't go into because I've done enough crying already.)

6. My house is a mess. I need to clean, but I don't want to. Can I take a nap instead?...

7. After reading the above six points I've realized this post is kinda boring. Feel free to move on to the next blog in your Google feed.

8. High point of my day so far - I finally bought Elements 9. I should get it tomorrow. Now I just need my very own desktop that I don't have to share with anyone AND take a Elements 9 class. (Neither one of the aforementioned things will be happening anytime soon...sigh.)

That's a bit of my weekend, my Monday and today in a nutshell.
Happy Tuesday, friends!

parking cars.

Max set-up some road and parked a whole bunch of cars in the kitchen area Friday morning. Silly boy. It was cute watching him line-up all of his cars though.





And you see that van?... That's the Mystery Van from Scooby Doo. (Ok, no it's not, but doesn't it look like it?)

umbrella friday on saturday.

A few weeks ago Tracey over at Pen and View posted some umbrella photos. Perhaps you've seen them? I meant to post a few umbrella photos last Friday, but it didn't happen. I took these photos awhile ago. I actually had to go in search for my umbrella. I hardly ever use it.



Here in the Pacific Northwest we don't use umbrellas all that much, which is weird since we get so much rain. We tend to use rain coats with hoods. It just gets to be a pain to find the umbrella, open it, run to the store, close it, carry it around while it leaves a trail of drips, then open it again to head to the car... I mean, really, around here we might as well have a third arm that serves as an umbrella all fall, winter and spring (and 50% of summer). I digress...

Anyway, Max was intrigued with the umbrella. He's never really used one. I don't even think it was raining when he was playing with it on the deck. And, since we had watched Tracey's video from her first umbrella Friday post, Max just had to sing that song. (It was a favorite of his about a year ago.) Thank you, Tracey. ;-)



It was sunny and 74 yesterday. Now it's raining. Again.
Happy Saturday, friends!

tgif!

The sun came out today and it was warm and breezy. My favorite weather. So we explored the greenbelt that is our backyard. Nothing too exciting. Just a little snippet of our day outside.

A boy and sticks.

There is a reason Washington is called the Evergreen State. And it's no coincidence Seattle is called the Emerald City. While we may complain to no end about our rain, it makes for the greenest greens you will ever see - anywhere.

I haven't picked-up my camera since last Friday. I've had a lot on my mind. But today I shot about 150 photos. And I'd like to think I got a handful of decent, lucky shots. Still learning. Still cultivating my creativity (remember my one word for the year?...)
Happy Friday, friends.
Enjoy your weekend!

changes.

I'm working on some changes to my blog, like having a header designed for me and such. YAY!
I'm also searching for just a plain old white background template for the background. So, if you come to the blog one day and it looks ok, and the next it's totally different and/or a mess - this is why!
And if you happen to know which blogger template will give me a plain old white background, I'd love to hear from you!
Happy Blogging!
A

random tuesday...late night edition.

I don't have anything super exciting to say today. I don't even have any photos to share. I think I've only picked-up my camera once in the past week.
Today I helped out in Max's class while the teacher tested students for end-of-the-year evaluations. It was interesting watching the kids play. Girls and boys play oh-so differently. Amazing to observe. And very fun to watch Max in his element.
The end of the preschool year is upon us. I'm not sure why it ends on May 24th when most of the schools around here don't end till near the end of June. But oh well. We will start our summer early - if the weather ever cooperates. Max is signed-up for Vacation Bible School and one summer camp through the city.
Speaking of weather - it actually cleared-up today. Blue sky and sunshine. And at 8:22pm it was still 60 degrees out. Max and I went for a walk...well, I walked and pushed his trike. We ran into our neighbor's (also my OB - so VERY convenient after having a baby!) mom and her grandkids (does that make sense?...the neighbor's mom watches her kids...I digress...) We all walked around the block and we finally delivered the little girl's long overdue birthday present. From January, folks. Yes, very late. The kids hugged goodbye and the little girl even gave Max a kiss on the cheek.
As we enjoyed the sun, sitting in the driveway drawing with the big chalk, my thoughts were with my neighbor who tragically lost her adult daughter on Sunday. On Mothers Day. In that same house, a little boy had also lost his mother. On Mothers Day. While I was enjoying just another regular Tuesday afternoon, hearts were breaking just right next door. I thought a little bit more about everything I did today. And I couldn't help but wonder what my neighbors were doing while I made dinner and let the dog out and gave Max a bath and read him stories and watched him sleep. Later this week I will bring them a meal and flowers. I will do my best to find some words of comfort. Until then I will pray.

That's all I've got today. I will now drag my tired, sore throat, self to bed.
I promise to have some photos soon.
Goodnight, friends.

he calls me mom.

He used to call me mommy. Not too long ago. But now I am mom.

He's growing up. Too fast.

The nurses called him peanut when he was born. All 4 pounds, 15 ounces of him.

Tiny. My small hand almost covered his entire back.

I rocked him for hours when he was little. Hours.

He wanted to be held all the time.

Now he is four (and almost a half.)

He runs and jumps and dances and sings and makes too much noise some days.

He holds my hand and gives me kisses.

He comes and gets me almost every night. Which drives me crazy, but also secretly makes me happy that he still needs me. Some day he won't need me much, if at all.

Because of you, Max, I am mom.

Thank you for that gift.

Love, Mommy.

living the questions.

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

a mustache and other randoms things.

Funny stuff...
On the way home from the store, out of the blue, Max said to me, "I very want a mustache." I asked, "Who do you know who has a mustache?" Max, "Gda." I suspected he was going to say Gda (my dad). I can't think of any other men in Max's life who have a mustache except Gda. For as far back in my mind that I can remember, my dad has had a mustache. I've seen pictures of him without one, but that's it. The things that kids think of...silly.

Reading...
I've been reading Water for Elephants. Not very far into it yet, but I'm enjoying it so far. Today I stopped by Borders and picked up this book. I read the sample on Kindle on my phone in one evening (the sample isn't very long...). The sample alone spoke to me and I just had to pick-up this book to continue reading! I tend to watch far too much TV (United States of Tara, Nurse Jackie, The Office, Greys, Private Practice...well, you get the idea.)

Hard stuff...
D-day 3 has arrived. It is/was today. May 3rd. Blood draw this morning and now the wait. THE wait. I waited all day to hear back. At 4:30 I couldn't stand it any longer and I called the doctor - only to be told they don't have the results from the lab yet. If I had driven the 20 miles into Portland to their lab, I'd know now. Instead I went to a lab close to home. A decision I will pay for in the form of waiting and not sleeping tonight. My anxiety is through the roof, and all I'd really like to do is have a drink or run (or both) and I can't do either. Seriously. How will I sleep? The rational side of me says - you waited this long; you've waited years...so what's another day? The irrational side of me (in a whiny voice) says - I've waited for years! I need to know now. I thought today was the day I got my answer? I digress... Prayers, friends. I'm not one to reach out for help or ask for favors, but today I ask for prayer for a patient heart and mind, and some sleep tonight.

Happy stuff...
And finally, imagine my shock and utter amazement this morning when I was casually going through blogs I follow on Google Reader on my phone, and found this. My stomach did a little flip and my heart skipped a beat I think. I've posted a handful of photos to the Shutter Sisters 365 group on Flickr, in the hopes that maybe one of my photos would be chosen. But I guess I always figured it was just that - a maybe. I'm not one to get my hopes up too high for anything in my life (that's another long post for another day...). In a weird way that I can't quite explain, it was validation for me. Validation that I am good, that maybe I do know what I'm doing from time to time. Thank you, Shutter Sisters.



Happy Tuesday, friends.
A

dandelions.

Big breath!...



exhale...



and try not to get any in your mouth...



(Not the sharpest photos in the world. I've had a lot of issues with focus lately. I like a shallow depth of field, but then I usually end-up with poor focus overall. Any tips, suggestions, ideas are welcome!)

chalk.

New chalk on a rainy Friday.



Max opened them in the car and said, "They are so beautiful." Oh, the simple joys of childhood. There is such beauty in simple things all around us if we just take the time to really look.

seven.

Seven years ago today I became Mrs. Meisgeier (it's a mouthful, I know. And if you can pronounce it correctly on the first try I will give you a gold star!...)



I married one funny man, and three years later I was blessed with another funny little man in my life.



Happy Anniversary, funny man.
I love you.